How Are You? Do You Really Want To Know?

We all have moods. Good and bad. There are times when we interact with people and their seemingly innocent questions set us off. On an ordinary day, when the sun is shining and no one has pissed me off, the question “How are you?” elicits the response “Fine thanks. And you?” But on a bad day… I have been known to say “Do you really want to know or should I just say fine.” Reality is most people just want us to reply with fine.

Late June I went to a School Homecoming. It was a two day affair and I ran into so many people from my past. Two of my girlfriends camped with me for the weekend in my daughters trailer. My son in Law brought it and set it up for us and it was a short walk to the event centre from the camping area. Maureen was so excited to go and planned on doing all of the events. Rhonda on the other hand was not keen to go. Frankly I think the only reason she came was because she didn’t want the two of us to have fun without us. When we three are together the laughter is out of control. We walked in, registered, walked around a bit and then only saw each other sporadically over the course of the evening. When we first set out for the evenings events, Rhonda mentioned she didn’t have any cash. I had $80 which I thought would be enough in case there was no ability to pay for drinks electronically. The advertisement stated drinks were $5. We were good. As we left that evening we were all giggly and I still had my $80. Turns out this trio…, a widow, a divorcee and a happily married lass all in their 60’s, still didn’t have to buy drinks. And when asked if she was glad she came, Rhonda shouted out loud “I had the best %@&$ing night of my life.

What I found that evening, as well as the rest of the weekend was that when people asked how I was, they didn’t want to hear fine. They truly wanted to hear all about my life. I married a man from this same area and so many of his friends were there. These were some of the people we saw socially and a few have reached out since his death. But I wasn’t there as his wife as I often was in the past. I was there as me. Cindy. I found that I was surrounded by people who knew the young me. The teenage me. The girl who had just a bit too much fun in school and out of course. The girl who never thought about tomorrow or what it would bring. There were the close friends. But also the people you didn’t really know but saw in class. Chatted with casually. The popular kids and the shy kids. I never felt like an outsider but I never felt like I belonged. I was fringe. I played sports so I knew a lot of jock types. One of my close friends from elementary school was from a cowboy/rodeo family. So I had a bit of in and out exposure to that group as well. I was also fairly smart and knew one day when the fun was over I planned on University. So I took the classes I needed to get me in. So I knew a lot of smart kids. I also was a bit of a partier and pot smoker so I also ran with some older kids outside of school. I took what I needed but skipped on the puff classes. Options. I preferred driving around and hanging out. I wasn’t going to waste valuable time on classes that require study and hard work if they weren’t core. Except Phys. Ed. I took that as well as the Phys. Ed. Options. You know, fun stuff. Looking back I realize I took my time of irresponsibility seriously. I didn’t waste much time worrying about what my future held. I trusted it would work out when I got there. And I was right.

As I walked around talking to people I suddenly realized school was like a rock band. Very few bands get together and stay together for life. Musicians, regardless of fame, spend their careers moving in and out of groups and often get together because a guy knows a guy who needs a guy. My friend groups changed almost yearly. Even the best friend changed although mine was true to the end. We just went from being bound at the hip to zig zagging in and out of each others lives. Boys made a big difference. Some girls followed their guys to the ends of the earth. And I know some where it has worked out. I lost what I felt was the love of my life by going to a boarding school college. But in the end it was right. I wanted an education and he wanted marriage. We both got what we wanted. Mine worked out. Living in small towns limits the amount of people you have to chose from but there was still a wide variety of people who drift together. They have the same vibe. But as our needs change and our interests grow we find we move about in friend zones.

Coming back to this place reminded me of the huge number of people who had an influence on my life at a time when we were vulnerable. Back then no one asked how we were doing. Not because no one cared but often because we all saw so much of what was happening to the people around us. Girls crying in the bathroom. Some helped… some walked away more out of respect. She doesn’t need to see your pity. There were some awful people but there were those who shut down the awful people. There is the boy picked on who walks away to be alone with his pain, but may not see that popular kid confront the bully. Sometimes we look back and feel sorrow for someone who had it rough, wondering if we should have done more. I had a rare opportunity to run into someone like that. A girl who was wrongly accused of stealing. Police were called to break open her locker when she refused. Only to find nothing. The hue and cry by students was deafening. She was poor. The quiet unpopular girl. But she fought back and the student population fought back with her. Maybe it didn’t bring her a ton of friends but I think it brought her some respect from a whole group of people who never noticed her before. It was years later when we crossed paths and I asked how she was. And she told me. Married with an expanding brood of kids, she had grown into a feisty young woman. She told me what she had done since we had parted ways many years before. She inquired into mine. I shared quite a deep history and we both smiled and hugged. Our paths were so different but in the end we had both gone through some life changing things. We had grown up. Tried to become law abiding adults contributing to society in a meaningful way. But our conversation revealed we were just the same as we always were. A little older. A little smarter. But really not that much different than we had been back in school. But at that moment, at that day in our lives, we were both glad to ask how the other was doing. We both needed to know that we weren’t alone in our journeys in life. No matter how much we look at others we can only really see what they chose to let us see. It is only when someone asks how we are that we can be vulnerable and truthful. It might make them uncomfortable. It might make them want to share. It might just cause them to give you a hug that you didn’t now you needed.

I am a pretty reclusive person in many ways. I don’t encourage too many to enter into my inner circle. I am open in so many ways but my energy is limited and I need to refuel quite often with alone time. After my husband died I retreated more and more into my own little world away from the prying eyes and also those who wanted badly to help. I have to say that going to that reunion, I found a new energy in my life. It reminded me that for all of our need to move out in the world and be ourselves, while educational and definitely worthwhile, there is still a need to go back and revisit where we came from. We are all connected whether you believe it or not. Our energy is not confined to this vessel we call our body. We are more than our magical physical presence and all along the way on our journeys, people touch us. Not just physically but mentally and energetically. Our vibe so to speak. Reconnecting with a community from years past built me up in a way I can’t explain. I rode a high for weeks after that. There is goodness in people. For all of the negative rhetoric in the world, I know that I felt true joy that weekend. I was pleasantly surprised by the shift in my life.

I think what I learned that weekend is that when we surround ourselves with positive people or we place ourselves in areas where others feel happiness… it rubs off on us. There were close to 700 people in that community centre that weekend and I believe regardless of our expectations, many left feeling a little lighter. A little happier. A little more positive because of the concentrated vibe of joy and excitement. And now I find when someone asks how I am, I’m gong to be truthful. Life is wonderful. Every day is a blessing to be here. Because I am not just fine. I am great. Life delivers blows sometimes but we learn from them. We feel the blows and all that they have to teach us. The same goes for the good stuff. It fills us up and makes the sun shine brighter. It makes us feel the joy of feeling alive. There is a song by AJR called The Good Part. I feel the lyrics captured my early life in less than four minutes. So many times I wanted to skip to the good part. But ya can’t. You just have to move through it. The last downturn was heart breaking. I didn’t know if I could ever crawl back from that intense grief. But I did. Right now. Here in this time and place. I am doing great. Just ask me. I’ll tell you!