Is Happiness a Choice?

I once had a friend ask me what brings me joy. I immediately said gardening. As I thought about it, I realized it perhaps wasn’t joy as most people would define that word. What I feel as I garden is a deep sense of contentment. I love the feel of the earth in my hands. I love to create a painting of sorts in my garden. I can toil away for hours without even realizing what time it is. It brings peace to my soul. Is that joy? Well I truly think it is. I am moved to another place when I work in my yard. The outside world doesn’t exist. It is me alone in my little universe without a care in the world. It is the feeling of bliss when I look at a pot that has grown since spring and the plants are just beautifully arranged and the colours balance perfectly. I think to myself, I need to take a picture so I can recreate this next spring. But I don’t. And frankly, if I did that, I would fail to create a future masterpiece. My yard isn’t beautifully choreographed like a show home. It is a labour of love that changes with me as I age and grow. I feed it and in return it feeds my soul. It is my happy place. But is it?

Happiness to me is more of a fleeting feeling. It comes and goes as do other emotions. Happy, sad, anger, fear just to name a few. Striving to be happy all of the time is in fact counter intuitive. It is not possible to be happy all of the time. We are going to have influences in our lives which cause us to feel other things. Happy is not an end zone we are trying to reach. The world around us is going to throw wrenches into our plans which in turn will disrupt that whole happy vibe we have going. Just the act of not being happy can cause us a downward spiral. And why do you think that is? Because we are chasing something that is elusive and ever changing. Plus we place too much emphasis on the role that people around us play in our quest for happiness.

Today my daughter Drew and I were chatting about finances and choices we make when overspending. When do we feel regret or anxiety about overspending. When do we feel guilt? I feel that when you examine your motives for your decision making, you will soon begin to decide what is a good splurge and what is not. Who are you doing this for? I once spent a huge amount of money on a small purse that was exactly what I had been searching for. Leather, cross body, outsjde phone pouch, slots for cards and a cheque book (many moons ago). It was perfect. I bought it without even thinking. One day in a meeting, I had my purse on the table to my right. The gal beside me nudged my elbow and nodded toward my purse with a knowing “Nice”. Then she mentioned the brand name. Now I had no idea who made it. I knew it was perfect. She was a very put together gal so it shouldn’t have surprised me that she recognized the name on my purse. I loved that bag and I used it for a long time. No one else seemed to know who made it. But I didn’t buy it for the reaction of others. Often when we make decisions based on needed approval, our happiness factor goes down. Because most people don’t care what we are doing and that is the bottom line. Our motives matter.

Our brains are often blamed for our emotions, reactions, life choices, feelings, and the list goes on. But we put the criteria in there. When we dwell on past emotions or the actions of others, we are replaying movies in our head. They are on repeat. But our brains don’t know it isn’t real so the feelings get cemented into the memory bank. The neural pathways get more and more engrained. Here’s the thing… We can mess with our brains. Trick them. Its often a slow go but it is entirely possible to create new thought patterns. Because that is what we have been doing our whole life. Creating patterns both physically and mentally. Elite athletes are what they are due to practice. Years and years of refining skills through repetition. We know this as there is evidence in front of us every day. Even in our own lives. The more we physically do an activity the easier it becomes and the more proficient we become. So… Shouldn’t this work mentally? Of course it should. And it does.

Since becoming a widow, I have spent a lot of time alone. It has been a very healing time for me. Reverting back to my younger self. No real plans. Going through the motions of life without any real idea of what my future would bring. Now and again I feel an overwhelming sense of grief. A profound sadness. Usually brought on by something innocent like the lyrics of a song. And then it passes. Now and again I feel restless. Like I should be doing something. Or, maybe I have forgotten something important I need to get done. There are moments of laughter and happiness. Sometimes when I am with others but often when I am alone. Reading, movies, music… all serve to alter my mood and usually it all has to do with a memory of sorts. I admit, most of my anger moments are driving related. None of the feelings are long lasting. Now and again I get this feeling of “What if”? These almost always come at a melancholy time. Again, brought about by memories, or a date on the calendar. But then, something will distract me and I move on. Distraction can be our friend but the flip side is, it can stop us from really looking deep inside and trying to find the source of our unhappiness. Often it just keeps the emotions at bay long enough to help us to deal with our issues in a timely manner. A little a a time.

Recently a friend of mine asked me what the difference was between depression and just not giving a fuck. This question came out of the blue via text after I had asked her for a recipe she had given me once that I had misplaced. Butternut squash soup. It is amazing. Anyways, I thought for a moment and replied with an answer that is an opinion alone. But it is based on my own experiences with some mental health moments in my own life. “I don’t give a fuck” is an attitude of sorts. Think Fonzie from Happy days for the boomers in the crowd. It is essentially an individual thought process whereby even when those around you are turning right in life, you are turning left. And you don’t really question your own decision. You just act upon your own inner dialogue that says “This is a good way to go”. It is the act of going with your gut, and when confronted for being off track, you shrug and continue on without feeling the need to justify your actions or thoughts. Depression on the other hand is a very complex affair, although I feel a huge part of it is not being able to see hope in the future. Being unable to look forward to something. The excitement of anticipation is lost on someone who is depressed. They are unable to see joy in the future as the moment they are in is so vitally paralyzing. They are in fact fully wrapped in an invisible cloak of despair and fear which limits their ability to look forward.

Three years after my husband died, I had an epiphany of sorts when someone I cared deeply for asked how I was. I told her I was doing great after really thinking about my answer. Since then the feeling has expanded. I realize that in that moment there was an incredible shift in my life. I felt lighter. Happier. It was as if some of my grief and unhappiness was being lifted. In time the feeling grew as I really started to believe I was doing great. I wasn’t doing things much differently in my life. Same habits and routines, yet life was easier. It has been a year since that first realization and I am amazed how much sadness has left me. Of course, as is my nature I get a little cocky. I think to myself, I am doing so great nothing can touch me. My arrogance shines through and the universe says, well she’s doing pretty well. Lets throw her another ball and see if she can keep them all in the air. Nope. I have been incommunicado with my in-laws for quite sometime. I met up with a brother-in-law at a reunion and after we spoke, I was annoyed but not back in my anger at him as I would have been in the past. It was like getting something irritating on my skin. I wanted to scratch but instead I washed it off. I washed him off. More recently I was inadvertently pulled into another drama in the ex family. This time was an age old scenario of sophisticated bullying more commonly known as scapegoating. While I felt anger for the victim, it wasn’t long before I decided that this had nothing to do with me. You know the saying… “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. I did nothing and it is done as far as I am concerned. The indignation leaves your body and you return to that state of mental homeostasis.

Our bodies are incredibly intricate machines. It keeps us in this state automatically. Its how we stay alive without much effort. We are well tuned. The only thing messing this up is our brain. Our brain, or those little voices are what send us into a downward spiral in so many case. But we can so often control this in our own lives. It takes practice, patience and will power to adopt habits which will help us to regulate our thoughts and in turn our mood. In a year I have seen how much my own attitude has changed just by deciding one day I was doing great. The family drama blip was a test which I sort of failed but… I got back on track. Quickly. And now it is a distant memory. For me. Not the victim. But you can’t live other peoples lives for them. It is easy to tell them how to fix their lives. Our own? That is a bit harder. We are never really all that pragmatic when I comes to our own wants and need.

When my husband was ill, I struggled so much with outside interference. Trying to respect his wishes while pushing back against the world. It was mainly the medical community but there was overt in-law interference as well as a behind the back judgmental whisper campaign. Lack of sleep and fear brought me to my knees. At one point my oldest daughter said “What happened to your fuck you attitude Mom?” I was surprised and told her so. She never liked that attitude and let me know it often. I told her it was gone. Her reply? “Perhaps you need to get it back”. The thing is there is a difference in these two attitudes. As a young person I was more nonchalant. I walked away from controversy. Not interested, but in a naive way. Cruising softly through life and devastated when drama smacks you straight in the face. As a young wife I developed a fuck you attitude as a protection against interference. But that attitude comes with it a certain wish for retribution. You want to get even almost. Show them there are consequences. That certainly doesn’t bring peace to the soul. But now I realize I have come full circle. At least I am embracing the last and final stage of not giving a fuck. You live your life, see some shit coming your way, but instead of stopping it, you step aside. Watch it go by. Think about where it came from, where it’s going and maybe offer a little prayer for those it impacts on its path of destruction. Then get back on the road and keep going.

I have learned that my thoughts have power. When people describe the same old rhetoric I don’t buy in. The world is so messed up. Is it? I mean anymore than it ever was? Its not safe anywhere. Really? There are wars and atrocities but are they on your street? Is it something you see everyday in your life? Or is it what you see on the news. Which is about provoking a reaction usually as fear sells. The world is ending and anxiety levels are higher than ever. Or, is there a lot of fear mongering. Propaganda is a word which isn’t as in vogue as it once was. But the actions are there and plain to see. If you take off the blinders. Rather than taking your side in any controversy, and digging in to die for your new opinion, perhaps consider the source. Who is trying to rile you up. Cause you confusion and anger. Don’t fight other peoples fights for them. At least not mentally. If a cause truly makes you feel empathy then act on it. Empathy without action is useless, does nothing for the victim and just makes you feel bad. As a good Christian I am here to tell you that thoughts and prayers are just words. Opinions about who is right or wrong are opinions. Opinions by definition are views. Not necessarily accompanied by fact. They can be based on nothing. Don’t let other people control your thoughts. And the first step is to not allow them to control your emotions.

I am doing great because I think I am. A little play on Descartes. The father of scepticism. His famous quote “I think therefore I am” was preceded by the less oft used line “I doubt therefore I am”. When the whole world tells me life sucks and is getting worse, I chose doubt. And you know what? I look around and all I see is wonder, beauty and love. Because I think that the world is a wonderful place. I am blessed to have been given this life to live. Don’t tell me it sucks. I won’t believe you. I chose happiness.