He Started It…

I was watching a show called Reacher the other night. Binged an entire season as I folded laundry. Obviously I have too many clothes as it had been quite some time since did laundry. The main character is a huge beefy guy with an intense sense of right and wrong. Partial spoiler alert… He kills a lot of people in this show. At one point, after a somewhat brutal disposal of an attacker, his female companion questions his propensity for violence. He turns to her and says “He started it!” How many times have I said this throughout my life? It is normal as a child. I see it all the time with the grandkids. Someone’s crying. You ask what happened. So and so hit me. And the “he said she said” argument starts. And in the end, someone always wails “He started it”. As if that entire statement justifies our response. Like many things in life we grow up a bit and gain a more mature attitude in life. At least some of us do. 

Not me. I am somewhat of a reactor. And not a good one. I go from zero to sixty in seconds and back down again just as quickly. Unfortunately, it is this quality that causes people to see me as a bit of an unhinged person. Because my reaction doesn’t seem to be an equal response to the initial perceived slight. Those around me often think I go too far, which is a possibility when the evidence they see is somewhat mild. Here is the thing though… There is something called “the last straw”. A play on the idea of “the straw that broke the camels back.” You see, I am seldom reacting to an instance. I am usually responding to an action that was a recurring theme. My Dads middle name is Arvid. His brothers middle name is Arvad. The brother Sigfried had five children. Four girls and a boy. All were given the middle name Arvad. The name was also continued with the grandchildren on Sigfried’s side. My brothers all have the middle name Arvid. My parents first grandchild, my sisters son, was given the middle name Arvid. Then my brothers son. Then another brother. Both sons. Obviously it was a name I assumed I would use if I had a son. It was ridiculed often by my in-laws and I was quiet. Until one get together when I was pregnant with my third child. The conversation was once again about names for the baby. Of course Arvid was mentioned, and the fun began. What a stupid name. I lost it. I lashed out. I made fun of the instigators middle name. The table grew quiet. I was told I was inappropriate as the name in question was my mother in laws brothers name. Apparently I was being disrespectful and it was so upsetting that my mother in law left the table. Christmas dinner. I ruined it. Even on the drive home as I cried, my husband tried to explain why my comments were so mean. My argument was… You guessed it. ”He started it!”

Here’s the thing. It’s kind of like penalties in hockey. Whether or not the instigator gets called on a penalty doesn’t matter. The ref will always see the retaliation if it happens in the moment. Every smart athlete knows the term “take his number”. That is code for, somehow, sometime, the opportunity will arise to get him back. Later, when the ref isn’t watching. If I was a smarter, less emotional human I guess that is what I would do. But I’m not. I react. Quickly in some cases. Now, I plot revenge in my mind often when wronged. I never act on the plan because its just a pleasant daydream in the moment to soothe my hurt feelings. And the time has passed. As a Seinfeld fan I am reminded of the episode where George follows a car for over an hour because someone flipped him the bird. When he finally confronts the other driver at a rest stop, the culprit apologises and says he can’t shake hands because he has a cast on his arm. One finger is raised on the casted hand and so it was a big understanding. An innocent wave, misconstrued. George’s anger was unstoppable but the retaliation was humiliating. Because he didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t have all of the facts. Plotting a revenge story in your mind may help you in the moment but in the end it really is a waste of time and energy. 

In my younger years I trained in the art of Kung Fu. It was a good discipline for me as I wasn’t the type of person to be submissive. But I was very submissive while training. Yes sir. No sir. Bowing. No leaning against the walls. No crossing of arms. Arms clasped behind your back when a teacher or “Master” spoke. Even while sparring with another individual, when the higher rank spoke, you immediately stopped sparring, faced the instructor and clasped your hands behind your back. It is a sign of respect. I got smoked in the head a few times as younger belts did not learn this as quickly as they should. They saw you drop your hands and turn and saw it as an opening. Pow. They were reprimanded of course but even so our response as older belts was to just stand there. FYI Younger belts are newer students or lower colours. It is nothing to do with chronological age. White, yellow, orange, green, blue, brown, black. Young to old. Anyways, it helped me with control. My temper. My reactions. My husband couldn’t believe it. He knew me as a person who did not take direction well. Not someone who called a person half my age Sir. Which is how we addressed the instructors. Students didn’t use first names either. We were all addressed as Miss, Mr. or Mrs. In the end it wasn’t just about learning to fight. It was also about meditation. Learning slow forms. Respect. Defense. Never throw the first punch. Never. But don’t allow a second punch. It is about discipline in your body as well as your mind. It taught me so much about myself and about other people. But in the end, it fell in with my personal philosophy. I don’t start it. I finish it. Without regret. 

My hubby always wondered why I was never remorseful when I hurt other peoples feelings. Again, when I was younger I acted on my emotions rather quickly but it was always in response to a slight of some sort. I worked as a consultant for years and one particular job I hadn’t been paid for a couple of months. I called accounts payable and they had no record of my two invoices. I went to the department manager and there were my invoices on his desk. I wasn’t happy but I managed to say I was willing to hand deliver them to accounts payable if he would approve them with his signature. He basically said he would get to them when he could. I wrote my home phone number on a post it note and asked him to call me when the cheques were ready. I would not be back to work until the cheques were in my hand. I got a call from accounts payable the next day. The dye was cast and we were not friends. Eventually I was fired and escorted from the building by security. But not until after the project I was in charge of had been completed. He was let go a few months later. I believe incompetency was part of the problem. As a contractor though, I was fired on a Friday and started a new contract the following Tuesday. The oil industry loves its IT consultants. I burned a bridge according to my hubby. But in my eyes it was a poorly built bridge ready to fall down at any moment. Besides… He started it!

As I age, I find myself accepting things more. I still feel the urge sometimes to speak out. I am definitely not someone you want to cut in front of in a line. I am not mean but I am succinct. And I do allow a brief period of time for others to correct their “mistakes”. You know. When someone gradually stands near you. Then moves forward with you. Then shifts slightly to sort of edge you out. The shift is when I speak up. I just say… ”Dude. The line starts back there”. People are usually apologetic even though we both know they were being dicks. Seldom do I get harsh feedback. Sometimes people are confused and are quite happy to move to the back of the line. It all comes down to one thing. Fear of confrontation. That has never been my problem. I am kind of an asshole. I can call out anyone. But only after I am provoked. Again… When he starts it. 

My old lady vibe now has changed. With close friends or acquaintances I usually don’t bother with responses when they say things I am uncomfortable with. I just stop answering the phone as often. There are billions of people in this world and I only need a few to like me. So I am good. Now when someone starts something, I do take a moment to reflect and ask myself if this is a hill I want to die on. How much do I care about the individual. I have come to realize that with people I love I will make allowances in some ways. Unless it is a huge belief system. Racism. Anti gay. Sexist jokes. These don’t fly well with me. I am not a safe place for these type of comments. Religion? Politics? Bring it. Love a debate. I voted for Trudeau. Twice. Everyone hates him here in Alberta. Ask me why I voted for him and I can go on at great length. But I want a good reply as to why you hate him. And believe me… If your views are simple social media rhetoric, I will not argue nor try to sway your opinion. Because in my mind you’re a drone who doesn’t think for himself and who regurgitates other peoples ideas. Not a worthy opponent as far as I am concerned. I won’t waste my time. In so many ways I have come full circle. I don’t need to be right. I don’t have to get even. I am a firm believer that the universe delivers just rewards and punishments. I don’t have to defend myself or my life or choices. I learned a long time ago that it is important that I like who I am and what I represent. My Momma always said the best revenge is to live well and she is so right. It is up to me to live well. Embrace my values and live a life that reflects those values. And in the end, know that I am responsible for the peace in my life. And I can’t allow others to destroy that peace. And so I try to breathe, relax and go with the flow, knowing that most of what happens in the world has nothing to do with me. And so I need to allow the world to deal with its own chaos and trauma. But every so often, its okay to speak up really loud. Big or small, sometimes we need to confront others. But it is okay. Just know this… If you do, and someone comes at you and says you’re a little over the top, just tell them… He started it!