As the New Year comes around, once again we like to reflect on the past year and we decide what we want to change or perhaps fix. Now I am at an age where my reflections aren’t just on the last year, but on how many years have come and gone. While this is a time when I feel wiser and in turn happier and more content with life, I am also more aware of the passing of time. Statistically, I have less time in front of me than behind. Gone are the days when I thought I had time to do anything I wanted in life. The years stretched out endlessly before me and there was plenty of time to fulfill all of my dreams and passions. And now my sixty third birthday is speeding toward me and I find myself reflecting on what I still think I need to do before the great wizard in the sky calls in all of my chips.
There was always a restlessness in my soul. Since I was a small child I always felt there was an order to life that was outside of my control. I followed along to a great extent because I felt I didn’t know what to do. I trusted my elders to bring me along. Show me the way. I remember playing and then being told to come along. We are going somewhere. I didn’t have any thoughts or feelings about it… It just was. I went along. And yet… There was always that feeling that I wanted to just go out on my own. Walk away. Sitting in the back of my car I was the child who glued her nose to the window and watched the world roll by as we drove along. I would wonder about the world that existed outside of that window. Who lived in the houses we passed? Where did that road lead to? What was behind the door in that building? Life seemed to be a series of trips. Going to and fro. But with me just tagging along. Bringing up the rear as those older than myself went about their business. I was never part of the planning. I was just there. It seemed as though I was the only one who wasn’t in on the plan. I was on the sideline. On the outside of life looking in. A peripheral person.
I remember taking road trips to see friends of my parents or my Uncle. Once we arrived I would wander and explore as I filled the time. I was called for meals or when it was time to get in the car and head to the next destination. Maybe home or maybe to visit others. I wasn’t part of the planning. I was in the back seat. Teen years found me in the same boat. My brother was here recently reminiscing with our cousin who has been here visiting from Denmark. We talked and laughed about a trip to Denmark we took 45 years ago for our Grandmothers 80th birthday party. Tim remembered the names of towns and the people who brought us here and there. The parties or disco’s or sight seeing our cousins organized. I had vague recollections of the events and I remembered the fun but I had no idea where we were most of the time. We flew from one city to another in Denmark but which ones? I don’t know. The flight was bumpy was my only recollection. I went along. I had nothing to do with planning the itinerary.
College was a blur. University was a blur. I took my grade twelve and first year of University in a College. It was a religious boarding school and every morning the first class was from 8 am to 9:50 am. Chapel was from 10 am to 10:30 and then the next class resumed. For the first two weeks I faithfully went to chapel every day. I remember quite vividly the moment a girl in my dorm told me chapel wasn’t mandatory. I followed her to a small coffee shop in the basement of the administration building. Down beside the laundry room. It had a small lounge area with old love seats, comfy over-stuffed arm chairs and lots of round tables and chairs scattered around the room. That became my place every weekday morning between classes and often on the weekends when it was just a quiet place to study. There I went along as well. Never the planner but always the yes girl. The big difference was that now there were lots of planners. I had landed in a large pond with lots of people planning excursions and events. As a peripheral person I was casually acquainted with many. I of course soon met other pot smokers. Like attracts like. I met a girl in my dorm who knew lots of people from the town. I became a regular at their parties. I was in the hockey players dorm so I became a part of that crowd. I took breaks with kids from my classes, many of which were international students. I had a very full social life as I went along with whoever had something going on. I had fun. So much fun. And I was exposed to such a wide variety of people. A truly wonderful opportunity.
As time went on, marriage and children brought new people and experiences. It was then that I noticed my life was too full. There was little time for me to do what I loved. And so, I started to change the course of my life. Although my husband would have continued to live every day in the most comfortable and repetitive manner, he slowly started to join me in my need to follow my own path. He never played hockey as a young man so when he turned 37, he decided to start. He loved the game so much but never knew how to skate. That year he went down to the outdoor rink by our home and taught himself to skate. Then he took an adult beginner hockey class. The next year he started to play in a shinny drop in time slot and that slowly grew to 3 or 4 games a week scenario after he retired. I stared to weight lift at a near by gym. After a few years we got a family membership to a sports-plex where we could do our own thing. Swim, run. weights, basketball. Good for us and then also our kids.
Time went on and we all had our thing. Stuff we did. But I wanted more. And then we were a little older. He was more willing to follow along and money was no longer an issue. I wanted to try so many things but I wanted to do them with him. I became the planner. I made crazy plans. I organized trips and excursions. And if it wasn’t all of us it was him and me. Sometimes me and the kids. Sometimes just me. And soon I fell in love with my life. Bu there was so much more to do though. I had so many plans and interests. And then he got sick. I remember the day he told me he was sorry he was ruining our retirement. I knew in my heart that he followed me on our adventures because he wanted me to be happy. He came along to keep me safe. He helped me to fulfill my dreams. How many men go on a woman’s retreat being held at a commune where vegan food and yoga are the order of the day. But he certainly didn’t stop the adventure in my life. Last summer I took a motorbike trip and followed a path we had once taken together. But this time I meandered off the road to explore a little deeper. To see life behind the scenery of the highway. I met a wonderful couple who bought a mountain. The girl I was riding with wanted to stop and say hi. That trip was a crazy adventure full of mishaps and craziness. But also peace and reflection. I was on my own but for the first time in my life I felt such incredible control. I could do whatever I wanted. Go where I wanted. Stop. Eat. Sleep. Explore. Sit and meditate. No pressures. No clocks. Nothing but time. There was something that switched on last summer. A switch that had grown almost dusty from being off for so long.
Today I am enjoying the sun as it beats through my front window. It may be minus 30 celcius outside but in my living room, I am toasty warm. This is a time when I dream about spring and my garden. But today I am thinking about Mexico. Palm Springs. My brother in law is there every year for the first few months of each year. I always say I will come and visit but I never do. Maybe it is time. I’m thinking about Jasper. My time there in my younger years. The trip we took with the whole family riding our bicycles from Banff to Jasper. Maybe I should look up some hikes. Or ride my motorbike up for a music festival. Maybe this summer would be the year to hit the Chilkoot trail. Time moves faster at this side of life. I’ve reached the peak and I’m heading down the other side. But its a slippery slope. Life is very much like hiking up a trail. We breather harder going up but coming down we have to be more careful. Watch our footing. One wrong step and oh oh. Things go sideways quickly. But the excitement is still there. Before I was excited for the future. To venture out into the wide unknown world and see all I could see. Learn all I could learn. Now I make the plans and the possibilities are endless. I look back and I know how wonderful the journey was to get to this point. Every experience brought me here and helped make me the person I am today. I didn’t travel the road alone and there many who brought joy into the journey of my life. It is wonderful to look back and remind myself how far I have come. How I have grown as a person. As a woman. I’ve learned that just like Joni, seeing life from both sides, I really don’t know life at all. But it isn’t regret. It isn’t defeat. I can’t lament the changing of life or the people I knew. What others think or how I am perceived. No… I realize life goes on. We keep moving forward. If we understand that the past does not define us we can let go of the young person trying to find their way. I can embrace the old lady who is still trying to find her way. The difference is that now I can throw myself into life with out fear of failure or repercussion. Because in the story of my life it was the craziness and unexpected that is strongest in my memories. Maybe I only have today. Maybe thirty years. Either way I look forward to life and what it throws at me. After all, tomorrow it will just be another memory in the story. And I hope its a good one.
Things I've learned since I thought I knew everything... 