Dating… my how things have changed

Awhile after my husband died, my children, on separate occasions, gave me permission to date. I knew they were trying to ease my mind but I wasn’t in the space or mindset to ever think about spending time with another man. After 36 plus years, I was in a rut. A nice comfortable rut. The thought of dating a man other than my husband was icky. Just gross. I never imagined myself feeling my heart go flippity flop when I looked at someone. Or that surge of electricity when their hand touches your own. Plus, after the first few years of grieving, I found myself spending so much more time with women friends. Lunches, dinner, concerts, coffee’s. You name it. Women from my past were coming out of the woodwork and my social life was blossoming. And I was having fun. This last summer especially had me getting back into life and it was great. And so, I thought to myself, maybe it is time. Time to meet someone. Not really looking to get married but never say never I guess. Although I really never want to get married again. After talking to some people about my needs and wants I found their perspective are not only different, but in many ways hilarious.

And so… I found a singles web site that appeared to have a pretty good rating. I started to fill out the personality profile and half way through I was distracted. So I dumped out and lived my life. Then came the email saying there were already matches. I swear one day I will learn that there is a reason I have so many spam emails. Of course I was curious and clicked the button that brought me to the many admiring men. So, their faces were all blurred and I was unable to read any names but… For a few dollars a month, I could peruse the many men who had been personally selected as a soul mate for little old me. The words of my brother in law T echoed through my mind. “Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” One of our recent late night hours long phone calls had revolved around his experiences with dating. The friends good intentions. What you want versus what wants you. Or my gal pal Rhonda who says “No way I would ever online date. I prefer to find a man the organic way.” Not sure what she means but I happen to know the last man she met almost ran her over with his bike. Who rides a bike in a ditch along a country road? So organic might have something to do with walking in nature and being accosted by a stranger. I walk along the river three or four times a week and no one has run into me yet. So maybe it was a one off.

Well, let me just say this. I got an education I didn’t expect. First off, when I stated that I was only interested in people within a 100 mile radius, I was surprised that 90% of the matches were American. Who knew Montana, Idaho and Washington were so close to Calgary. I was under the impression that the U.S. border was much further away. That being said, I haven’t been to the States since 2016, except the trip after my hubby died and the family went to Hawaii. I don’t consider that the states. The Hawaiian people don’t either so… I must say though that the men from the states were very different from the ones in Canada. The common thread for the American men was in their top three priorities. God, America and Family. If you’re new here, I am a God loving, card carrying Lutheran but it wasn’t in my top three. I am Canadian so America certainly isn’t a priority. But neither is being a Canadian. I immediately deleted all comers with that trio of unimaginative men. Family is great but that certainly isn’t what I want in a man. Step kids and more in-laws. Yeah that sounds fun. I love my kids and grandkids but I am not about to mix that part of my life with some new random fellow. 

Now the way it works is you can see peoples pictures and if you pull up their bio they will be able to see that you checked them out. Now I am an oversharing type of person. But I only looked at the profiles of those who checked me out first. My profile answered the questions in a rather in-depth way. Men on the other hand are more of the one word or short answer type. What do you like to do in your spare time? Me? Well… I garden. I love to walk and hike. I play pool in the winter time but I also like to kayak although that fell off after my hubby died. I am a golfer. I ride a motorbike and enjoy camping. I love to read. I really enjoy live music and food. Men? Typical answer? Golf. Fishing. Two words. Some guys didn’t even answer all of the questions. Then there were the others who were very specific on what type of woman they wanted. I wasn’t that woman. In fact there was only one guy who even came close to someone I would want to spend time with and it turns out, he was basically a younger version of my husband. He was ten years younger which was fine but his kids were close to the same age as my oldest grandchildren. Ick. And although I loved my husband and accepted who he was, he was a guys guy. Loved sports and doing guy stuff. He changed as we aged and took more interest in my interests but I am old now. I don’t have time for someone who spends all his time with his friends. I need someone who will run for help if I fall on a mountain trail and sprain my ankle. Or who will tow me and my kayak to shore after I capsize and can’t get back into the damn thing. Or will let me win a few games of pool every week so I keep coming back for more. Yeah… that was him. And from what I hear from all his friends, he bought a motorbike because I wanted one. Hmmmm. 

I only actually communicated with three guys. After I got rid of all of the gun lovers, trump supporters, bible thumpers and Americans who put America first… There were not that many men left. The first fellow to write to me was the funniest. He was very nice and kind but had a firm picture in his head as to what he wanted. I could read between the lines and sadly he was looking for a Mother on a dating sight. He may find that but again not me. The deal breaker for him was any woman who did not want his dogs (his best friends) to sleep in the bed with them. He was deleted immediately. The next was the young guy. Enough said. Then came a guy from Missouri. Again… 100 miles? He was a little too familiar if you know what I mean. Think lounge lizard. You old people know what I mean. The guy in the polyester leisure suit back in the seventies. Cigarette in one hand and a whiskey on the rocks in the other. The one who came to your table in a smoky lounge and said “Hey baby… can I buy you a drink?” Knew every pick up line there was. Some of those guys were so smooth and it was great hearing some of their lines. They called you beautiful. Couldn’t believe you were single. What is wrong with the guys in your town. That was this guy!!! He was smooth at first and then as the conversation went on he laid it on thick. It got creepy. So I said I had to get up early for work and said good night. I don’t work I just was being polite. I received an email first thing in the morning from the dating site. Apparently they were investigating this guy. They hoped I hadn’t given him money or any passwords. Wonderful. All the men who wanted to chat me up were a momma’s boy, a guys guy and a scammer. I deleted my account immediately. After four days. 

So what did I learn. My friend T gave me good advice. On line dating isn’t for me. But I did learn something. Although I stated quite explicitly in my profile I was not looking for marriage or a live in partner, every man was. I also learned that even though I am old… I don’t want an old guy. Unless he is active. I don’t need taking care of and I don’t want to take care of anyone. I also learned I like what I like and at my age I am not sure if I want to change things for a guy. I did that when I was young but it just brought more interests into my life. I have enough interests now. But most importantly I learned my friend Rhonda was right. I need to meet someone organically. Haha. A friend passed away recently and at the funeral were many people from the past. And I realized something about myself. I always liked the bad boys. Until marriage that is. But I still like the bad boys. The ones from my youth have all apparently grown up, but there is still the essence about them that strikes a chord of familiarity. That familiarity brings a feeling of comfort somehow. Like the guy at the funeral who happened to be sitting beside me for a bit. Both of us waiting on our friends to finish visiting. We chatted. Me and the biker with the leather jacket. The pony tail. Still smelling of pot as he had just been outside having a smoke with friends. He was sweet and open and kind and… taken. But it brought me back to being sixteen and how free and wonderful the world was back then. It still is though. I have the world ahead of me. My time is my own. If someone is meant to be in my life he will be. He will come upon me when I least expect it and it won’t be uncomfortable or weird. It will be organic! Hopefully he isn’t on a motorbike at the time.