My other best friend…

Years ago Rene’ played on an over thirty men’s slowpitch team. They played at a few different locations relatively close to our house. You can always tell the teams with married men. They have no spectators at the late games. If there was a team with lots of gals watching you knew they were girlfriends. Only a few places had lights to play late into the evening but often after my younger kids were in bed, I would leave my oldest who was 12 and her 13 year old friend at home babysitting while I watched my hubby play. Another gal named Gail was usually in attendance and we would chat as we watched the guys. Weekends were different. Whether it was a tournament or just league games, most of the wives and kids came out.

One game when all the wives were around, a sweet young Mom named Michelle was telling us all about a gals weekend she was going on with her friends. It seems there were around ten of them who had been friends for years and they regularly went out for girl’s nights and took a few trips together every year. The chatter continued and I forgot about the incident until one evening when Gail and I were alone in the stands, eating sunflower seeds and watching our hubbies play ball. She brought up the conversation and asked me if I did things like that. Did I have that group of friends that I spent years hanging with? It was a tough question. I moved a lot as a child and had a different best friend every time I moved. Suzie became my bestie through proximity and we were tight for years but went our own ways now and again. She was more social than I was and loved trips and partying. Always involved and busy. I was dragged along to many of her outings yet it really wasn’t my thing. One on one we were great together. School years had us in and out of various groups but still together. After I married her brother we cemented into a tight bond but our social lives were separate for the most part. Our husbands were friends before we married them so there were shared outings with the guy’s friends but in reality, they were my husband’s friends.

Thinking back in my life I have always been a loner. I was always on the periphery. I planned on going to University but in High School I found I wasn’t in many classes with my friends. I played sports so I spent time with some jock types, yet I wasn’t really friends with many. After school I hung out with a more pot smoking crowd, many of which were older. I was just there. Not tight with anyone really. Just there. Boarding school and University were fun but also just a time when people passed through your life. Adulthood had me in the same state of sideline watcher. Living a half hour away from my husband’s friends kept us both on the periphery but he was okay with that. I met many people through my children’s sports, but none are really in my life as friends. Acquaintances really. I wasn’t one to make friends at work either. I spent most of my life as a consultant, so I spent six months to a year at various companies. I knew a lot of people and I liked them, but they were never really a part of my home life. I think being married and having small children kept me out of the friend zone for a long time which was fine since those years are so chaotic.

Really though, I do have some very good friends. Although acquaintances since grade five, two gals have become my rocks in life. Our times together are so beautiful I can’t explain it. Yet we are not involved really in each other’s lives. In the end there is pure joy when we three are together. It gives us the energy to go out and meet the world. I moved across the street from another gal 34 years ago and she pursued my friendship relentlessly. Totally opposite in every way she brought me into her group and included me in anything and everything going on. It was exhausting and yet over the years she has proven to be a true friend. She has always had my back. My brother married a gal whose younger sister was my age. My sister-in-law unfortunately passed away, but she helped to forge a bond between us girls which continues to this day. We seldom see each other but we chat. Another woman I met when our kids were small. Our lives are like copies in many ways. Yet we are different. So different. But she accepts me. Shares her heart with me. Trusts me. Doesn’t judge me. Again, not part of her crowd but her safe place. I guess throughout my life I was fortunate to meet so many who took me in and made me part of their lives. Community gals. The First Wives group at the cabin. Even the High School bunch who reach out.

So at the time way back when, as Gail and I sat chatting we both agreed that we really were quite similar. Our kids and husbands were the people we devoted time to and that was where we were. Spare time was for rejuvenating. We were loners we two and we agreed that we were never going to be the ones excited about girl trips with our 27 best friends. Gail proposed a plan that day. Let’s be best friends. We won’t get together. We will see each other when we run into each other but we won’t seek each other out. When the world around us was talking about friends we could just join the conversations easily as we laughed and said things like “Oh yeah. That’s just like my best friend Gail/Cindy.” We joked and laughed about it for the rest of the night and whenever I saw her we referred to each other as Bestie. As time went on, the guys quit playing ball together but our kids were often at the same tournaments. Our daughters played hockey in the same age group so we would see each other now and again throughout the years. And as happens, years started to go by and we drifted from each others minds. Until one day, my husband came home from work and said “Guess who I saw today? Your best friend.” To which I replied “Oh my gosh how is Gail? Where did you see her?” We laughed about the whole thing as he brought me up to speed on their family and what was going on in their lives. And, in keeping with the rules of the best friend agreement, we didn’t get in touch. There were no phone calls, and our lives moved one.

Gail was my good story. The friend who wasn’t there. The girl I could make into anything I wanted. I spoke of her often when conversations veered into friend territory. She was fabulous this gal who chose me to be her bestie. Oh my, we had the best times. I found I was an incredible story teller when I got talking about Gail. Just between you and me, her kids and hubby were even more spectacular in my mind. There were times I told the story about how we became “best friends.” It was cute and it was easy to remember, unlike some of the memories I created about her.

I was working downtown at my very last job in the Oil Industry when I came across Gail walikng through the plus fifteens. These are glass enclosed walkways that run throughout downtown Calgary. They are fifteen feet over the road surface and connect a multitude of buildings. It was an easy way to walk throughout the downtown core. In the winter it was a blessing as you could walk to a meeting 20 blocks away without going outside. And so, tnis was one of our last ]meet-ups. It was a busy lunchtime and we were both carrying takeput lunches we were bringing back to eat in the office, alone, in peace. As we chatted and caught up we found we were actually working in two buildings that were across the street from each other. At that point I said we should get together for lunch one day. After all our offices were so close together. We both laughed and shook our heads no. We both knew it would never happen. We wouldn’t call each other or make the effort to connect. And we both understood that it was just who we were. Two loners who needed their space.

Times have changed. I realize now that I do have a lot of friends. Not like Michelle. I don’t think I could go on a trip with 20 some girls and not kill someone. I have always wanted to rent a houseboat for a week but it is so expensive for just one person. But there are people in my life who I care about and can turn to when I need help. Strangely enough, for someone who doesn’t reach out that much, I have a large number of people who call me friend. They just get who I am and don’t care. They are an eclectic bunch and I couldn’t imagine any of them hanging out together, but they are the most accepting people in the world. They like me despite my flaws. All of my quirks and foibles seem to be hidden from their eyes. I think what this really means is that for some reason, beautiful people cross my path, and they adopt this little waif. Beause they only see good. I am fortunate.

I think about Gail now and again. I needed her in my life when time was flying by and it all seemed out of control. The years of small children and career greatly remind me of a whirling dervish but without the godlike experience. Rather, going around and around until life just crashed. I don’t miss her as I never really knew her but I am grateful to her. Fitting in is hard for some and just sayng her name made me feel like I fit in. For that I will always cherish the day Gail became my other best friend.