Dad’s wisdom

My husband Rene’ was a collector of sayings. When he retired, his most prized possession from work was his folder of jokes, quips, cartoons and funny stories. He was an observer in life and was known for his wit and quiet demeanor. My kids and their friends were somewhat afraid of him as children but in reality he was a teddy bear. Once in a while he would get into it with me or others but usually his advice was just a short one sentence statement. Some I got, some flew right by and I would need an explanation. He always laughed when I didn’t get him. It just showed how different our thought processes were. But its good to marry an opposite since you create one fairly stable and well rounded individual in the merger.

When it came to the stock market Rene’ had two pieces of wisdom which he had heard and adhered to. Nobody rings a bell at the top and always leave something on the table for the next guy. Meaning, you aren’t going to know when to get out because anything can happen. Take your gains graciously and when things continue to rise, be happy that someone else is also coming away a winner. My thoughts were to never look at a stock after it was sold and if stocks fall you should buy more to average down the purchase price. Most importantly, if you put money in the market, its gone. Detach your feelings from it because it is all a crap shoot and if you lose it, you are already over that. For us investing was a lifelong game. Who could do better? We loved to one up each other.

As for life and money Rene’ had a few favourites for the kids. Have more than you show, say less than you know. In other words live simply. Don’t show off with possessions. And be humble. Stay quiet. Learn about things but don’t push your attitudes on others. He also would tell them that “Money don’t buy you class”. Ain’t that the truth. That one is self explanatory. You can tell a lot about a person and his ethics and integrity when money is involved. Becoming wealthy can truly show what a man is made of. He often said, your integrity is the only thing that no one can take from you. You can throw it away in an instant though. His final words of wisdom as they grew older were this. Don’t forget where you came from because you just might end up right back there. We have lived in Northeast Calgary for 40 years. The same neighbourhood. A very modest mainly blue collar area which has the feel of a small town. The kids often joked about living in “the hood”. Someone I know also living in the Northeast called us a Hood wannabe. We are on the fringe and in his mind we weren’t true hood. We love it here and there is a certain pride amongst residents. But his sentiments were just this. Don’t get too uppity. You can lose it all at any time. So even if you move up in the world, there is also the chance of moving down.

I remember one day he was talking about his secretary at work. She was building a massive home with her husband and she wanted to know why we stayed in our little “starter” home. He explained that we liked our home and the neighbourhood. We had no desire to move up. As we discussed the ever increasing desire for people to get bigger and better he said “Well, we certainly are lucky the Joneses never moved next door. Nobody to keep up with,” He loved cars. He was always oohing and awwing over different cars. I would tell him to just buy one already. Quit talking about it. But no. He would wait. Because there really wasn’t anything wrong with his car. In August it will be 22 years since we picked that car up brand new. Its parked in front of the house. He is gone but his car is still running. He took care of his things. But he liked to dream.

One saying he saw on a poster in a Hockey arena really grabbed his fancy. It said “Sports doesn’t create character, it reveals it.” He used to quote it all the time. Too often we saw children hurt because of their parents actions. Trying to live through their kids and often pushing the kids way too hard. My hubby never had the chance to play hockey as a young man. Too many kids and not enough money so it just wasn’t an option. Instead, he decided at age 37 to play hockey himself. He practiced skating every night on the outdoor rink by our house. He joined an adult learn to play league. Then he started his own hockey career. He loved it so much. He didn’t need to live through the kids. He lived his own dreams.

Yesterday my son and I were chatting. He told me about a conversation he had with his Dad when he was about ten. They were driving to the cabin and Rene’ asked Sam what he wanted to be when he grew up. Sam replied that he wanted to be rich and famous, to which his Dad replied “You wouldn’t do very well with that”. The truth is Rene’ understood Sam. Sam was always a quiet and kind sensitive boy. He was very in tune to emotions and the feelings of others. His ability for empathy was over the top. He was an introvert and valued privacy and quiet. Rich and famous? That would destroy someone like Sam. Although he didn’t appreciate his Dads sentiment at the time Sam will never forget that day. He gets it now as an adult but the message really was that his Dad understood him. That was important.

Rene’ loved comedy. He loved certain comedians and was always excited when one would get his own sit-com. One of Rene’s favourite characters was Tim the tool man Taylor. Tim was the father on the show Home Improvement played by comedian Tim Allen. Rene’ became quite adept at mimicking the grunting noise Tim would make when something pleased or excited him. I’d have to say that when it came to quoting a comedian the one that stood out in his mind was “Can’t fix stupid”. This was part of a routine by Ron White. Although the bit Ron does is regarding his wife and all the flaws through aging that can be fixed, except stupid of course, Rene’ found it applied to life in general. He would often listen to the news, or people in general, shake his head and mutter under his breath, “You can’t fix stupid.” As my Mama used to say, many a truth is spoken in jest.

When it came to politics Rene’ went from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again. He was a Political Science Major and he got it. He didn’t argue usually with others but his motto for voting is to vote your needs. You see the left side of the spectrum is more about the people, social programs. He always said, the old and young should be voting this way because they are the ones who benefit. In the middle years you move more right as it makes sense that you would earn more and wish for less taxes and social programs. He found it amusing when people voted as their parents did. Just because. He says it lacks maturity and insight. His biggest argument with me was when I was bothered that people didn’t vote. I just believe it to be such an incredible gift. His view was it was better if the uninformed didn’t vote. Upon closer examination I see he was right. As usual.

Another saying was “It’s all in the delivery”. I could have an opinion on something for years that people would find odd. Rene’ would say the same thing and the world was impressed. I would be furious. How was he able to sway people and I never could? Because its all in the delivery. Our styles are different. He is quiet and soft spoken. I’m loud and abrasive. How we approach a subject matter is so different. Our passion levels also differ. He internalizes and I share with the world. Frankly he never really cared much about anything going on around him. He just lived his life and hoped for the best. His passion would surface if someone got in his face. The most intensity I ever saw from that dear old guy was for the last three years after the American’s elected #45.(He did not allow that Presidents name in our home) There was plenty of head shaking going on.

Another overused phrase came after watching the movie Sargent Bilko starring Steve Martin. In one scene, Steve is explaining to a new transfer into the motor pool that they were a close knit group. A team. He said “Any one of these guys would take a bullet for you,” To which one of the other privates inserted “Well, not in the chest.” To which Steve Martin replied “Oh no not in the chest. The leg..” This line became a go to for Rene’ in almost any situation. Half the time it made absolutely no sense but he thought it was the funniest line ever. It is still a favourite with all of us.

Years ago I had a female supervisor who was a born again Christian. Unfortunately she wasn’t a very nice person. She was new to the God thing I guess and had yet to take the class on “Do unto others”. I was friends with her boss which is how I came to have the job in the first place. It may have had something to do with her dislike for me. Nepotism aside, I would often come home crying after work. One day Rene handed me an envelope when I walked into the house. He had made a card for my boss. On the front was a picture of praying hands. Underneath were the words “Jesus Loves You.” The inside of the card simply read “Everyone else thinks you’re an Asshole.” I brought it to work and showed a few people and then I slid it into my desk drawer. Every time I had a bad day I would take it out to read and it gave me a smile. He had a unique way of seeing things. He had a number of different bosses over his long career. Whenever there was a particularly bad one he would simply say “I’ve outlasted lots of managers. I will out last this one.” He always did. When things would go sideways and there were management clashes with a department I would ask if he was worried. To which he would reply “No, they always fire the coach, never the team.”

When I was pregnant with my fourth child we found out he would be handicapped and the extent of his issues weren’t known so we knew we had to just wait and see. We would meet often for lunch during the pregnancy and our talks became very deep and philosophical. One day I asked him if he ever thought “Why me?’ To which Rene’ replied “No. I think why not me.” It was the attitude we developed that helped us to live in that time period. It wasn’t something to get through. A bad thing that needed strength until it was over. It was a time in our lives. A hard time, yes. But memories were still made. Lessons were learned. Moments were cherished.

Rene grew up playing baseball. Whether it was slowpitch or fastball he was always on a few teams. He was fast and strong. He loved the camaraderie, the exercise and the excitement, but mostly he loved to challenge himself. When he was up to bat it was over the fence or fly ball. He was not a safe hitter. I asked him once why he always had to hit for the fence. Without missing a beat he replied “Ya gotta go big or go home.” And that was that. It had nothing to do with the team. It was personal. I remember times he would come home after something, be it broomball, baseball or hockey, and I would ask how they did. He would be so upset about something and I would assume they lost. Nope, they won but he played like shit. If he played well he was happy. Didn’t matter if they won or lost. It was how he did.

Another favourite was, “It doesn’t matter how tall your Daddy was. We all have to do our own growing.” He worked with a woman who was really hard on her kids. Everyday after school they had to do their homework right away. They had to get good marks. They had chores to do. Straight home from school everyday. They were early teens. He finally asked her if she had been a good student? Nope. She was a C student. Didn’t try hard. Did just enough to get by. She was a wild one. He then asked about her teen years. Oh those were great. So much fun and freedom. She glowed as she remembered her young carefree days. So he asked her why she expected her kids to be honour students? Why did she keep from them the very best part of her own youth. Her happiest times. She said she resented her parents because if she had been more disciplined she would have gone farther faster. She was finishing a degree in her fourties. She wanted them to have a foot up. More advantages. She didn’t want them to resent her. Rene’ told her the kids would still resent her. Just for different reasons. The kicker was when he told her that her children were genetically part her. If she was a poor student how could she expect them to be whiz kids. A bit much perhaps but apparently she did start allowing them more freedom. They will never know how much they owe that one nosy old guy their mom worked with.

We didn’t have the same upbringing. He came from an alcoholic home with generations of unhealed trauma. The greatest lesson I ever learned about alcoholism, we learned together. We were young and broke. Life was a struggle. I had graduated but couldn’t find a job. There were rumours of layoffs at his company. I was making supper and he came home so stressed. As I was making supper he stood in the kitchen telling me about something at work. He took out a glass and pulled down a bottle of whiskey from on top of the cabinets. He poured out a good stiff shot and stood looking at the glass. I realized he had stopped talking and I turned to see what was going on. He just looked at the bottle, then he slowly turned to me and asked “Do you think this is how it starts?” I suddenly saw a little boy remembering. He slowly poured the whiskey back into the bottle, rinsed the glass and put it all away. He gave me a quick hug and left the kitchen to get changed. Ten minutes later I went into the living room to say supper was ready and there he was, lying on the couch with our small daughter, watching TV. That moment changed the trajectory of our lives. Our family and our marriage. I didn’t understand it at the time. Looking back I know we made mistakes as parents. Everyone does. But that was one thing we did right. I am so glad I didn’t have to learn that lesson the hard way.