It’s Easy To Be Kind

Recently I was having a bad day. That often leads to a pity party of one. Which is okay as long as the party ends and we go back to our regularly scheduled programming. The next day I was in a social situation with a lot of people from my very distant past as well as a ton of strangers. At one point I was approached by someone who I knew slightly, but he was younger in school so we weren’t friends. You know small towns. As we talked about the past and common acquaintances, he said some very nice things to me about the girl I was way back when. It lifted my spirits at a time when I wasn’t feeling great about myself. Almost fifty years later he remembered me with fondness although I didn’t do anything special. In his eyes I was just kind to everyone and he thought I should know.

Now, I know what some people who know me are thinking, I am not the kindest of people. And I have to agree that as I have aged, I have developed a more rough edge. What has been described by my children as my “fuck you” attitude. I understand where it comes from though. There are times in our life when we feel bullied or misunderstood and we are able to shake it off. We go to our corners and lick our wounds and come back as good as new. But this is when the times we are hurt are sporadic. It gives us time to heal ourselves when something or someone hurts us. When we find ourselves in a time or place where the hurts are deeper or more frequent, we just don’t have the time or the inner strength to get past it. Dealing with inner pain then gets put off and each new occurrence just piles on. Kind of like my compost pile. When I just keep adding and don’t care for it, eventually it just starts to stink. Like the compost we need to turn it over so in time it becomes something beautiful instead of a pile of crap. Our hurts are lessons in life. When we don’t examine them and learn from them, they just start to stink up our life.

That simple act of kindness really helped me when I was low. And yet, I started that chain reaction many years ago. I wasn’t ever really bullied. I think life was easy in many ways because I was unable to handle things as a young person. As a result it was easy for me to be kind to everyone. I didn’t have a ton of baggage so I wasn’t angry or sad. I had no wish to hurt others. I know now that when people are unkind it has to do with something inside them. It rarely, if ever, has to do with the recipient of their meanness. However, when others are cruel, in time we feel the need to fight back or at least raise a wall in order to protect ourselves. Retaliation though is never the answer. It makes us look petty and unkind. So what’s the point. We become like those we despise. It doesn’t matter that we feel justified. It changes how people view us but more importantly, it robs us of goodness.

My own emotional protective armour has hurt me more than any other person ever could. Because unfortunately, when we put up a wall it is because we anticipate hurts. Our bodies respond to the mental made up hurts just as if it truly has happened physically. That’s why when we watch sad movies, we cry. Or when we watch romantic movies, we feel all gushy inside. Our brains don’t know what is real and what is made up and so it reacts the same way. Sending out chemicals and hormones which were designed to protect us. To arouse emotions in us. When we think about our past, if the memory is good we feel the same goodness inside that we did when the event first happened. But the same goes for past hurts. We relive the hurt over and over. It does become a habit and if we aren’t careful we can wallow in self pity. As hard as it is, the answer is to learn to rejoice in the good and try hard to understand the bad. Learn from past issues in order to more easily deal with future problems that may occur. And one way to do this is to share your own gratitude with someone who has shown you kindness.

Years ago, as a new Mom of 19, I felt I needed time to decide if I wanted to be with her Father. She was only two months old on my first Mothers day. My youngest brother, bought a Mothers Day card and wrote Dear Mommy and signed it with my daughters name. It was a simple thing. Easy to do and I am sure he forgot all about it because for him it was small. But it has stayed with me for all these years. Finally today I texted him to thank him. All because someone spoke to me about my past kindness.

So, I think I have learned a very powerful lesson here. We need to hold tight to the kindness others show us. We need to embrace the people who show up in our lives with the small things. It is importanct to work hard to remove all the ugliness we hold onto in order to make space for the love others want to show us. Because if we don’t we might miss out on a lot of love. And finally, and most importantly, when we embrace the goodness of others we are more apt to spread the love. So my advice today is to reach out to someone. Anyone who has been kind. Tell them. It is so easy and will mean so much!