A Fresh Start

I was going through some photos on my computer this morning and came across a picture I took in June, 2020. It was a whiteboard in an organic grocery store where I shop for groceries as well as many other things. The sign had some flowers drawn for a spring like atmosphere and the caption read “A fresh start isn’t a new place, it’s a new mindset.” I love this.

While I chose my birthday in February for my own personal New Year, most people look at January first as a day when they can make a fresh start. It is like the fresh fallen snow, untouched and full of hope and promise. This year stretches out before us. We are excited. But you and I know that good intentions don’t always lead us where we wish to be. You know the saying. As time goes by, we forget the promises we made to ourselves. Perhaps we set unreasonable goals. Eventually we slip back into old patterns and behaviours and in time we drop all of the new ideas. Like the new snow, in time life becomes muddy and messy once again. We look back and wonder what happened. How can we give up on something we want so bad? Where did the enthusiasm go? Frankly maybe that saying can explain a bit.

Throughout our lives various things influence us. People, places, experiences. In time we develop a persona, so to speak, which we identify with. Often this identity is thrust upon us because other people judge us. Whether or not we accept their ideas will greatly influence who we become as time goes by. Today while chatting with some friends, I mentioned that for a lot of my life I let someone else’s river carry me. I was always a go with the flow person. Now and again I would find myself bored or irritated or just questioning where the path was leading me. Or them Or us. And I would skip out. Not in a mindful way rather I would just start doing something else. I always knew I followed along because I had nothing better to do. But when I got a different idea in my head, I switched directions quickly but quietly. It was like I would find myself walking along a mountain trail with a group. We would stop at an overhang to look over the ocean. When the rest continued along the path, I would lag behind. And then something would pull at me and I would jump. Off in a new direction. I seldom thought things through. I just jumped.

For me it was easy and I loved life. I think the problems were the people in my life had trouble. I was unpredictable. In many ways I couldn’t be counted on. They looked back on the trail and I was nowhere to be seen. It made them uncomfortable. My first therapist, once gave me a book called The Dance of Intimacy written by Harriet Lerner. Although this initial session was in response to outside interference in my marriage, the therapist in time was able to influence me in a personal way. While she agreed that perhaps other people were causing issues, it was my inability to understand their motivation. Once we dealt with that aspect of the problem she had me look at my reactions. Or perhaps my ingrained habits when it came to relationships. In the past I was a loner and loved being alone. I was good at walking to the beat of my own drummer. But the problems began when I was in a marriage. Because that wasn’t just a relationship. I had lots of those. The difference was that I was committed to this man. This relationship, in order for it to work, I need to check my go to habits. What worked before didn’t work now.

While I loved that woman and she taught me a lot, I realized that the hardest thing I could ever do was change myself. I was quite young when she pointed out that although I was great at being alone, I did love being with others. I liked having friends and going out. Feeling cared for and wanted. But it was also a bit too overwhelming for me. When the relationships demanded more than I could offer, I stepped back. Put distance and silence between myself and the other person. They would in time stop reaching out and I would begin to miss them. Then I would reach out or find new people or events. There was a push and pull and not only did I not enjoy this dance, others became frustrated with it as well. I knew she was right but it was hard. It also wasn’t going to help the in law relationship because I wrote that off fairly quickly. They didn’t want me and I didn’t want them. We had one person in common that we all loved. It was hard on him as we struggled with his obligations. But that is another story.

In the end, I ended up in therapy five times including once with my eldest child. That was very short, emotional, hurtful and yet I learned so much. About her and about myself. Each therapist brought insight into my life. Now that isn’t to say I was able to sort everything out. There was growth, albeit slow growth. But I think that is the point. When we diet we want to lose weight quickly, but we took some time putting those pounds on. It takes time to get them off. We also have to be reasonable in our expectations in ourselves. The longer we are on this earth, the more we are comfortable in who we think we are. I know I am happier now than I have been in over fourty years. Is it because I am healthier or in better shape? Nope. Have I got my shit together? Absolutely not. Are my relationships thriving more than ever before?  Of course not.  I am still difficult for other people.  Am I more focused or in control?  Really?  My brother pointed out how sporadic my posts are.  I am as inconsistent as ever.  Are habits better?  More ingrained?  Um…  Nope.  But regardless of all my failings and faults I am in such a great place.  There is no pressure.  I start things all the time.  And then, I stop.  Life is impulsive.  A somewhat strange version of organized chaos.  I flit through life.  A call for coffee.  I go.  A friend is housebound.  My 15 minute drop in becomes 3 hours.  I strap on the skates at the over 50 drop in public skate.  A man tells me I am late.  That makes me laugh.  Late?  I go on a date with my Granddaughter.  She is such an incredible young lady.  I pop into a used record store.  I am on a quest.  An album from my past.  An hour later my conversation with a young musician ends as I leave for an appointment. 

The answer is right there.  My actions and choices haven’t changed really.  I have just stopped beating myself up for being me.  And as a result I don’t feel I have to stand up for myself.  I don’t need a fresh start.  Because the term alone brings up visions of creating a whole new persona.  Drop all of the old.  Ditch the old you.  That you was a mess.  Did everything wrong.  Made a lot of mistakes and sometimes hurt others.  The  problem is kinda like the old saying “throwing a baby out with the bathwater”.  Getting rid of something good while trying to throw out something we don’t want.  If you really examine your life you come to realize that often that which we despise or don’t want, actually helped us to find the good parts of ourselves.  The water bathed a beautiful child and rather than toss it we can use it to water the flowers and more beauty will grow.  

Last summer I had an experience that really did help me.  I was in a situation where someone I don’t care for really made me uncomfortable.  I just wanted the universe to stick it to her.  She is one of those people who is arrogant and condescending and every interaction I would walk away with hurt feelings.  The more I wished ill on her, the more I suffered.  Until one day I really took a look at her and myself.  It became abundantly clear why she was the way she was.  Like all bullies, even old Grandma’s, they are insecure.  I made her uncomfortable.  Just by existing.  She had an agenda and I unknowingly interfered with her agenda.  Not just me.  She was this way towards others.  It wasn’t personal.  It all stemmed from her own lack of confidence and self worth.  Buying into it made me feel petty.  I needed to change my mindset.  My motivation.  My need for schadenfreude.  To feel good when she fell.  That wasn’t about her.  It was about me.  The experience had a huge impact I think.  She really is not in my life.  We cross paths so infrequently that she shouldn’t ever be on my mind.  That one person.  That one incident.  That changed my life.  There have many like her before but I was never in the right frame of mind to catch that pop fly.  Until now.  Sometimes it takes a long time to learn a lesson.  Man I am so glad I learned that one.  I caught that ball and saved the game.  I am ready now to go forward.  Because my mindset changed and the answers are all inside me.  So I guess in a way I did get the fresh start.  But I don’t think I will ever need another one.