Ohm… Preserving My Peace

I have always loved to write. Whether it was a journal as a preteen, teenage poetry filled with heartache and young love, or dozens of unfinished “books” as a young woman. As I age blogging gives me an outlet for my feelings, ideas, opinions and memories. I sometimes see an article or news story that stokes emotions. Sometimes chance encounters or everyday ordinary interactions get my juices going. Often I can’t wait to write about something that has caught my attention. I write with complete abandon. But sometimes, the momentum slows and I just stop. As a result I have dozens of unfinished blog posts. Some are just a title because that is how I remember the idea. Once in awhile I revisit a blog and then I like it. Or it feels complete. Because I am in a different frame of mind, I see it with fresh eyes. So I post it and the unposted pile gets smaller.

Lately I am not inclined to write. Not my usual buzzy brain stoppage where I am busy in life. No this is something different. I am tired. Emotionally. Things were hard when my husband died. For my family. For me. Grief is personal and covid following close behind his death threw an extra monkey wrench into the mix. We were broken in so many ways. Death does that to people. There was joy and happiness as well as the sad times. Often it felt like we were going through the motions of normalcy. How much was grief and how much was covid is something we may never know. But a little over a year ago I saw this ray of sunshine peeking through the gloom. I realized that life was pretty good. I was happy. Happier than I had been in many years. The gloom was dissipating and everyday life seemed to bring more and more joy as I stopped to look around. I was alive. I had limited time left. I was going to make the best use of the time remaining.

A funny thing happened. The more I thought my life was great, the happier I felt. And life just got better and better. It really is true that our mind is powerful. All of the things I loved before, became more important. But I found myself stepping outside of my everyday repetition. My naturopath has admonished me for years that I am too much of a loner. And I am. But his advice isn’t that I need to hang out with people all the time. He just doesn’t want me to close myself off to the world. I speak to 90% of the people I meet everyday. I am chatty that way. I got a pedicure yesterday and during a long conversation with the gal beside me, her technician asked if we were friends. We laughed. We had just met. So yes, I do go out in the world. And I mix. I just don’t pull the world into my home. My sanctuary. My private world. I now buy tickets to events I want to attend. Concerts. Plays. And as the event approaches, I find a date so to speak. The few friends who inhabit my world. They are typically people I see now and again. There is always someone who is keen to go. On the other hand, I am more apt now to say no to anything I just don’t feel like doing.

Lately, there has been an over abundance of people who tend to be what I call energy thieves. Spending time with them always leaves me drained. On a one to one basis its all fine. But when the calls come one after the other in a short period of time, I am unable to cope. These are folks I have known for years and years. Lovely people but they live dramatic lives. When they need a sympathetic ear they call me. For the most part, I have helped in my own way. I was recently introduced as a dear dear friend by someone I was helping. Kind of got me to thinking. While we have known each other for years, I wouldn’t call her that. In all that time, I was always called when she needed help. Mentally. Physically. Financially. I was on speed dial. Our last interaction included many do gooders like me helping our friend. It took a lot out of me and as I watched the dynamics play out over a couple of days, I was struck by an epiphany of sorts. She thrives on the drama. She pulls people into her orbit but not in a complementary peaceful co-existing way. More like a black hole where the pull is so strong nothing can escape. She develops a narrative to go along with her poor me attitude. With each repetition of her story, she cements her idea of reality where the world is against her and she is a victim of circumstance.

Unfortunately, as an empathic individual I draw these types of people to me. There have been many throughout the course of my life. And for the most part I have been okay with it. What I realized a couple of weeks ago is that I don’t have the same capability to recharge a I did when I was younger. I remember one day two woman came and saw me, a few hours apart. I struggle with both, but that day, they tag teamed me and after the second gal left I just sat and cried for awhile. I was so overwhelmed. Their very presences causes me stress. Yet they leave feeling great because they are energy thieves. Like vampires they suck your energy dry. Having four of these people reach out in a short period of time had destroyed me. I know I will cocoon for a few weeks and avoid the world. All will be well as I rejuvenate my soul. But what about next time.

I have always been pretty passionate about politics. I love a good debate. But there is no debating anymore. I find the exchange of information has long since bit the dust. People no longer look to the future. They relive the past. And play the blame game. I was in Hawaii for a family trip after my husband died in November 2019. Other than that I have not been to The States since the summer of 2016. I am not of fan of the 45th president. This time around, although I didn’t think it would happen, I was prepared for his return. While there has been lots of anger throughout the media, I have personally been so overwhelmed with the Canadian people and their incredible sense of pride and coming together. It brings me so much joy. Earlier in the week my friend was very surprised to hear me say that and I realized, that isn’t how Alberta sees the country. And that is where I live. The province that thinks the rest of the country is screwing us. It makes me a little sad.

I had an older brother who always said I was lucky. My husband would laugh and say, the harder we work the luckier we are. My brother forgot all of the struggles I had in my own life. Or perhaps he didn’t see them. But I recognize how truly fortunate I am. The only privilege I don’t have is that of being a man. A few weeks ago marked my 40th wedding Anniversary. I celebrated alone as he would have loved to celebrate. Although he is gone, I am still here. Above ground. I have a roof over my head. Food. Family. Good health. To quote Frank, I am doing it my way. I made bread yesterday morning and I went skating. I am going to start a few trays of bedding out plants later today if it stays nice. Or not. Geraniums were taking over my grow tent and now as they sit in the living room window seat they are blooming like mad. The sun is out, spring is here and the earth is warming. Life is good.

I know there are many people in my life who are angry and upset and frankly scared of the unknown. The economy. The current political situation. I deal with it the way I always have. My way. And I think it’s going well. But there is one thing I am changing now in my life. I am going to be unavailable to the world of drama. And I’m not going to tell others why I do what I do. Or vote how I vote. Or spend how I spend. Dress how I dress. Or eat how I eat. Unless they ask. I will just keep returning to the playbook that has served me well. I realize most people want to tell me I am wrong. And that is okay because if history repeats, then I will be just fine. Because I am fine now. The decisions I made up to this point have brought me to a place in life that brings me peace. If it isn’t doing the same for others they need to look inside themselves, not at the world.

When my kids were young there was a button they received from Sunday School. It said “What would Jesus do?” Well a couple of weeks ago I was visiting my brother Bent, who despite some ups and downs in life is a pretty chill guy. His wife said that whenever she is in a spot and trying to decide what to do, she asks herself “What would Bent do?” I know my energy thieves aren’t bad people. They are stuck in a life of their own making, seeking a way out. But rather than change their ways, they come to me to unload their troubles. They don’t seek advice. Nor do they wish to change. They want me to hold their hand and say its all gong to be all right. All the while agreeing that some outside source is out to get them. The problem isn’t them. It is me. Because I am the enabler.

The needy friend who doused me with negativity recently was concerned when I told her I was busy. An entire day was spent helping her along with many others and I was spent. She called to make sure everything was okay, but as the conversation progressed she reverted back to her poor me narrative. I kneaded bread as I listened to the familiar story, absorbed in my repetitive peaceful task. Thank God for speaker phones. Silence on the call alerted me to a missed question. I asked her to repeat it as I was surprised by the silence. Her question was “Why does this keep happening?” And suddenly I was no longer silent. I told her my thoughts. Opinions and views I had kept inside for years. Her reaction was explosive. Her anger could be felt through the phone lines. No one understood. No one. As I let her melt down, I placed my dough on the fireplace mantle to rise. I wasn’t even in the same room as my phone. As I returned to the kitchen and began to tidy she was calming down somewhat and hadn’t even missed me. I managed to get off the phone and then sat and pondered my relationship. Not just with this gal but so many in my life that I have let slide. And frankly the commonality is that they are all one-sided. I am their go to. Not their friend.

What I learned from that one phone call was that I am responsible for my own peace. Everything I do to heal, whether it is spiritually, emotionally, physically or mentally can be undone only when I let it happen. I may not invite negativity into my world, but when it approaches I need to remember that I don’t have to accept it. I have seen so many people come in and then out of my life. I know that I did it. I acted in such a way as to keep people out. I think I have finally learned that it isn’t a bad thing. My instincts through life have always been to distance myself from others. I was always told that it wasn’t good for me. Not a natural way to be. No man is an island. We need each other. Common mantras which I now think are used mostly by extroverts. And yet, I found myself thinking about people from the past. Those I no longer see. Some I pushed away. Others walked away when I didn’t give what they needed. If I am honest, probably 100% of them took more than they ever gave. Their presence didn’t bring happiness and joy. It brought angst and a sense of duty.

I am grateful for this acquaintances outburst. I know I will continue to help people who need me. I am truly an empathic person. I believe this episode will serve to remind me that while I need to continue to care about others, and help where I can, I finally understand I have nothing to offer if my own peace is disturbed. I am reminded of that popular definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over while expecting different outcomes. My friend does this. But then again so do I. I can’t help her stop but I sure can change my own behaviour. Even if it means never seeing her again. And that is kay because there are so many wonderful people in this world. To put a different slant on an old saying, I have lots of friends. Many I just haven’t met yet.