It’s Not About Opinions, It’s About Values

When my husband and I were engaged we met with the Pastor to discuss the wedding. She was on maternity leave but was still willing to perform the ceremony. Unlike my Catholic husbands premarital requirements, as I am Lutheran we just met 3 times. All took place in her home after the baby was asleep where we had tea and cookies. The first night she had us fill out some little tests, the second night she showed us the results, and the third night we discussed the ceremony and the flow of the day. It was extremely eye opening for us both in many ways.

The first test had us rate 20 items in order of importance. Things like family, money, religion, sex, charity, love, health. Interestingly enough our ratings were almost identical. Three items were reversed in order but for the most part we seemed to be on track when it came to our value system. It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, it was about seeing how our values matched up. The second test was a little more complicated. We each did the test twice. First answering the question as ourselves and then answering the questions as we thought the other person would answer. Then she charted the answers for a visual representation. It was mind blowing. First off when she compared our answers against each other the graphs showed that we were wildly different. We knew that already yet the chart did make it seem like we were not quite suited. Then she charted our answers for each person. Basically, my chart showed my answers and the comparison of how he felt I would answer. It was a beautiful sight. They lined up so well. As did the chart for him. What it showed us she explained, was that even though we were completely different people, we understood the differences and knew each other quite well. More importantly, our values lined up. That to her showed that we would approach life from different angles but with the same goals in sight.

Throughout my life I have always felt like an outsider. The person who is on the outside looking in. Not in a sad and poor me way. More like just an observer in a game others are playing. I am often included yet I’m not really part of the team. And they all seem to know each other. But I am now and always have been odd man out. Recently, during the last election I spent a great deal of time on the campaign trail with my local candidate. It was certainly no surprise she lost here in Conservative country. But the experience was very eye opening. I felt like I was back in my college days where we all had that dewy eyed outlook on life and we were going to change the world. I was the volunteer coordinator and throughout the short campaign I met so many people from all different walks of life. And suddenly, I felt like I had found my team. Here were people who shared so many of my values. In the short time period we bonded, and I felt supported and accepted. It was then that I realized that my entire life, my entire community was one where I was accepted as different and odd. It was so freeing to be able to talk and share ideas without feeling wrong. Different. I have many acquaintances but very few friends. And of those acquaintances I came to realize we do not share the same values. It taught me a lot about my world and why I am the way I am. But it also has helped me to set a course for the remaining years of my life. I feel so free.

Awhile back I was having coffee with some friends. One gal was telling a story of her life when it turned a little racist for me and once again I was confronted with a situation where I had to make a choice. Do I say something and create an awkward moment or am I silent and then complicit, going against my own values. Well I spoke up. My go to comment is “I am not the right audience for that comment”. But the discussion veered somewhat and in my frustration I lashed out in quite an angry, mean way. Well, after a bit of uncomfortable chit chat the gal made her goodbyes. I apologized to the friend whose home we were in and headed out. She was fine with it but I knew I had caused the other gal quite a bit of angst. So months have gone by and I haven’t heard from this person. Until yesterday when she rang my doorbell. Apparently she was walking through the neighbourhood and stopped to see how I was. It’s funny. She doesn’t live here. She lives in a small town half an hour away so its an odd place to come for a walk. I chuckled to myself and invited her in. I knew this was uncomfortable for her. As we sat in the backyard she rambled on with idle chatter as if we had just seen each other last week. Finally I broke into the conversation and brought up our last encounter. I apologized for coming across in a mean manner and she said all was forgiven. I was entitled to my opinions as was she and it was important that we accept that. And yet, I couldn’t agree with her. Because it wasn’t that our opinions differed. Our very core values differed and somehow that didn’t sit well with me.

As we talked it became clear that coming to see me was her way of offering an olive branch. She wanted me to stay in her life, Yet the entire time, she was reassuring me that it was okay that I was different. She could accept it. In her words I am eclectic. That is how she describes me. Apparently it is why they all love me so much. Not sure who they are. But as I listened I realized that my whole life I was an oddity that people wanted to know yet I was too hard to know. Because I am all over the map. I am influenced by so many different things. I do flip flop on ideas and I do jump onto bandwagons when the ideals match my own. In other words, I can’t be counted on to stay within my small box and that makes me a bit too volatile. At that moment I felt like a circus freak. Someone people want to say they know but I am kept on the periphery. Because it is too much work to really get to know me. They like that I am a little off the beaten track and they admire it somewhat, yet it also makes them uncomfortable.

It took me awhile but I was finally able to explain my position to her. And I must admit that from her point of view I am extremely unmoving and obstinate. What she didn’t understand wasn’t that our opinions differ. Our true core values are so wildly different. While she is absolutely entitled to her opinions and I to mine, I am well within my rights to keep my peace. And as I age, that means limiting exposure to opinions that hold hate and anger and divisive attitudes towards people who I believe, are more in need of acceptance and kindness. I pointed out to her that her denials of being racist are conflicting with her racist comments. I am offended when people assume I hold the same values and feel safe commenting in front of me. I don’t hold her views. We don’t share the same values. And it goes much further than race. It is so much deeper and encompasses a wider range of values that I can’t even begin to dig that deep here. Suffice to say that I find most people who I conflict with seem more worried that their own existence is in some way threatened if others get special rights. In other words, the prevailing thought is “that’s not fair”. It is exhausting when you realize it all comes down to fear. Fear that others will get more. Be more. Have more. They feel entitled to climb higher on social and economic ladders while despising others who try and do the same. Such a sad way to live. Always worried that someone else will be better. Because it is inevitable.

It is so easy to be with like minded people. I don’t just mean politically or religiously or even socially. For there will always be differences. Throughout my life I have met so many that I felt an instant kinship with. And it has helped me to navigate through life as I understand I am not weird. I am me. And I like me. My oldest daughter has always had an issue with who I am. I know she loves me but I embarrass her. I was at a birthday party in her home once. Her sister in law admired the scarf I was wearing and asked where I got it. It was a table runner I bought at an antique store and when I told them that, my daughter rolled her eyes and said “Of course it is.” Somehow that was embarrassing to her. A little later the sister in law introduced me to her sister and we sat and chatted. I had heard many things about this gal from my daughter. Her husband was a very successful lawyer and they lived in a beautiful old turn of the century home filled with beautiful antiques. They travelled extensively and were apparently to be much admired. But as we sat and chatted it came out that she was in town to see a concert. When I asked who, she said I probably had never heard of the musician. Then she asked if I had ever heard of the movie “Searching for Sugarman”? I laughed and said “You’re going to see Rodrigues?” We were instant friends as our shared love for an obscure musician bonded us. The remainder of the evening had us revealing many intimate things about our lives. Her handicapped child and the failed first marriage. Her life in a city where my brother lived and her exposure to him as a charity volunteer. The hard life and eventual second shot at love. I shared my own experiences with love and death. All the ugly and nitty gritty. When I left I felt joy at being with someone who was so open and honest and yet shared the same ideals and values. While I never saw her again I know she thinks of me as I remember her. While my daughter highlighted the other gals positives, I knew she did the same about me. But together we shared the real us. Raw and honest. And it was a beautiful thing. There was no judgment. There was no one-up-man-ship. No poor me. No disdain for others. No opinions about things that mean nothing to us. Just pure open honest conversation. That is what peace is for me.

When it comes to the opinions of others, I know my personal options are twofold. I can be silent when others share what I find to be going against my own personal values. This can cause me to feel conflicted. Like a liar. But I am only going against myself to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. I bear the discomfort and it grows inside me. Or I can immediately speak out against views that I find to be hateful or ignorant. While some people like my “racist/I am not racist” acquaintance, feel negative opinions are justified. When it comes to marginalized people, it is no longer an opinion in my mind. It is hate. Whether it is pronouns, trans people, different religions, people of colour, immigrants or refugees, politicians, the environment, national unity, personal rights vs society, gun control, indigenous rights, pipelines, money, taxes, grief, work ethic, homelessness, cost of goods, travel, safe injection sites, nimby, or anything else people like to whine about… If your opinion is based on keeping the marginalized down… it is hate. Your opinions tell me a lot about who you are. I have learned that although we all have the right to our opinions, I have the right to chose who is in my life. As for my acquaintances, you can try and hide your true self or walk away. The choice is yours. I would suggest a third alternative. Heal your heart Look inside for peace. Stop letting fear and anger control your thoughts. You are in control of your life. Blaming others won’t fix anything. It only hurts you. Negativity and blame is a bad habit. Happiness comes from within. Look there. I guarantee it will change your life.