Why Are Mothers So Annoying?

Reading my favourite columnist Carolyn Hax, a few weeks back, a reader was commenting about her Mom, her mother in law and just Mothers in general, It seems both she and her husband are annoyed 50 to 60% of the time. The complaints ranged from unsolicited advice to chewing too loudly. I’m not sure if the reader was asking why this is, do others also feel this way or maybe advice in how to deal with her own feelings towards her mother. I didn’t read the response but it did get me to thinking. My own mother had some annoying habits, but as I thought about it, these things that annoyed me the most were what I saw when I was grown and not from my childhood. 

As a child, my Mom was amazing. No matter what happened in my life, she made it better. She was the quiet fixer. If I hurt myself, she fixed it with a band-aid and a hug. If someone was mean to me, she listened as I sobbed. Then came the motherly wisdom and a hug. She let me help her all the time even though I was usually not much help. When she made buns, she taught me the perfect way to form the buns. Hers never varied. My own attempts were somewhat irregular if you know what I mean. You could see whose were whose just looking at the pan. She never fixed anything in front of me, but they all came out of the oven looking perfect. So, I know now that she fixed them. She wasn’t really a hands on Mom. But she was willing to do whatever you needed. If I wanted to swim in the summer, she filled the big wash bucket in the backyard. Even boiling water on the stove to warm it up. When we plucked chickens, I was given a chicken of my own to pluck. At age 4 or 5 I didn’t do a very good job, but she would finish it and thank me for my help.

I don’t remember her playing with me. In fact most memories of assisted play are of my Dad. He came home from work and threw me in the air. Tickled me. Let me go with him sometimes when he drove a school bus. In the young school years he fixed an old bike for me to ride then helped me ride it. He taught me to play cards and would play with me in the evenings. As I grew older, he helped me build a fort out of willow branches he had trimmed. I remember when he taught me to shoot a gun and how to load, unload and carry a long gun. I was young. He taught me to ride a motorbike. In junior high, when he would push all the furniture away and roll up the rug so he could help me with gymnastics. He built me hurdles when I was on the track team. I could practice at home. He drove 30 minutes to the city to buy KFC on my 15th birthday and left it at the door to the bunkhouse with a knock so he wouldn’t embarrass me by coming in.

I realize now that my Mom got a break from me when I was with my Dad. Being a Mom to so many and for so long was exhausting. But not only that, she was a very independent and strong willed individual. And she loved her hobbies and alone time. Hmmmm. Sounds familiar. She loved to garden and to sew. She was an incredible baker. And she did take time to teach me things that were important to an immigrant 1960’s housewife. I can sew. I can knit and crochet. I learned how to do needle point and darn socks all by the time I was six years old. In fact I received a miniature sewing machine that worked when I was six. Her job was to teach me her job. Which was what she knew. What she did. And that was being a wife. Oh she worked now and again but only because as a family we often went through hard times and the money was needed. She scrubbed floors and cleaned businesses at night when I was in elementary school. I live eleven blocks away from a hotel where my mother worked when I was a teenager. She was a cook and drove in from the small town, half an hour each way to work the lunch and dinner shift. She did what she had to do to keep her family fed, clothed and safe.

In my teens it was my Dad I fought with. For the most part my Mom stayed out of our spats. I did my best to help her. But it was for selfish reasons. Mom was a bit of a hoarder and terrible housekeeper. So I cleaned. Lots. Not for her. I was embarrassed. So I cleaned. The teen years were when I began to understand her more. Her hobbies fulfilled her. Gave her incredible joy. I know I gave her lots of grief as a teen but for the most part she was just relieved when I was finally sent off to boarding school. She was so tired of me. I get it. I am a mom. Kids are hard. She was exhausted I think and ready for alone time. But as I grew older I stopped seeing her wonderful traits. She became the recipient of my stories. My life was exciting and fun and I was living a life far removed from that of a housewife. She listened to me but added very little because frankly I wasn’t interested in her views. I just needed her to listen to me. Because at that age, my friends and I were so self absorbed, we only cared about ourselves. I didn’t need a friend. I had those. I needed an audience, and Mom fit the bill. So I simply stopped respecting her as much as I had as a child. You see, she was old fashioned. She wasn’t cool and up to date. She wasn’t trendy or modern. Nope. She clicked her teeth when she ate. She stirred her tea too long and too loudly. She still hoarded and she wouldn’t spend any money on herself. I didn’t get it. But after years of worrying about money, she was careful.

I used to say to my kids that I am not their friend. I am their Mom. The two roles are very different. When we play the Mom role we are often seen as interfering and bossy and annoying. This happens as our kids become adults. We don’t know how to stop being their Mom. We struggle to move into a Mom role that is more in the background. Our kids want to make their own decisions. As parents we struggle to keep our mouths shut because we actually have a bit of experience in the world. Yet, we learned through our own mistakes just as our children must learn through theirs, But it is so hard to watch them make the same mistakes we made. Since Moms are the people most involved in raising the kids, they are the people seen as annoying to adult kids. Because we can’t let go. Dads are often on the periphery and so they transition fairly well.

It seems to me that adult kids are just a bit embarrassed by their Mothers. But of course that starts at a young age sometimes. My oldest daughter lied about me being her Mom when she was only six years old. The thing is, I have decided that the issue is our kids truly love us. The things that annoy them aren’t about us. I think our kids want other people to like us. To see the best parts of us. The good things. As our children they try and overlook our quirks and foibles. I think they want the world to cut us some slack as well. As parents, we have been annoying for a long time and we are quite set in our ways. And we will keep doing those little things that make our kids crazy. Oh and us Mom’s are well aware of our old fashioned thinking. Our antiquated views. We know how the world sees us. And yet, we are quite happy in these golden years. When I was a young Mom I had a very strong “don’t give a fuck attitude”. But there was a touch of anger attached to that. It was often in response to wrongs committed against myself or my children. Now the attitude still persists, although the sentiment is different. I am not angry at the world, I am more weary of the ways of the world. I think it is because I have lived through each decade. Each stage of life. Looking back I realize obstacles created periods of growth and in many ways, wisdom. My kids face obstacles as do many young people. They will embrace them as teachable moments or not. Like my Mom all I can do is listen. Unasked for advice is probably the number one trait that adult kids hate. And I am a one of the biggest offenders when it comes to unsolicited advice. I try, but I fail as much as I succeed.

Years ago my daughter was very enthralled with her sister-in-laws sister. I heard so many stories about this other woman. She was pretty amazing in my daughters eyes. This gal happened to be in town visiting on my Granddaughters birthday and so she came along to the party. After filling my plate, I was introduced to her and we sat on a small sofa and chatted while I ate. We vibed right away. She was in town to see a musician and when I asked who it was, she didn’t think I would know him. She then asked me if I had ever heard of the movie “Searching for Sugar Man”. I immediately replied “You’re going to see Rodriguez?” We both laughed. We had come to realize that we had so much in common and this was the final straw. We loved the same music, we were both geeky hippy’s and we felt we had know each other in prior lives. Yet my daughter loved this woman and I annoyed the crap out of her. Go figure.

I have learned that no one will ever love you as much as a mother will. Not even your children. That is a tough one to swallow. What I felt for my Mom and what I felt for my kids couldn’t ever compare. It is a normal stage of life to leave the nest and go out into the world and create a new life. The mother child bond lessens somewhat and that is normal. It happens to us all. My advice to young people who have annoying parents, live with it. It is who they are. And someday it will be you. You may think you’re different but you aren’t. I thought I was different too. And yet I am now an annoying old lady who has an estranged adult child. And to the annoying old Moms… it took a long time to become this person. Embrace it. Let’s face it, lots of our faults are because we had kids. Now that they have moved out we need to live life large. Our only responsibility in life now as a Mom is to be happy and healthy. If our habits annoy our kids so be it. It wasn’t that long ago that they annoyed us. Making messes. Breaking things. Going in slow motion when we were late. Talking back. Leaving food crumbs everywhere. Clothes on the floor. Losing expensive things. But we still loved them more than life itself. No matter what happens, that doesn’t change. Not ever.