My Friend Broke Up With Me

Throughout my life I have had a variety of people come and go. The usual reasons that friendships don’t last have applied. I moved a lot as a child so school friends changed. I attended five post secondary institutions. The friends made became acquaintances and eventually dwindled to hello when we met. As a consultant, I worked at many companies but for short periods of time. People became close friends while we were thrown together on a daily basis, yet over time became acquaintances after retirement. Life often gets in the way of friendship. It becomes work I think. We need to put in the effort. I am not the effort person. Not because I don’t want to see people. Rather, I just don’t think about it. I go about my life and when someone calls and says lets get together, I say okay. I am not a planner. I am a go along gal.

The go along part of me is good. I have a lot of people who include me in life and I just say yes. That is wonderful and easy. At least it is in the current stage of my life. When I was young it was a bit more of a problem as I got into a few sticky situations. Luckily, I seem to have a guardian angel or two looking out for me. Certainly there may have been a whole host of the heavenly crew on hand to keep me safe. Being the yes gal way back when could have been disastrous. There had to have been some sort of intervention going on for me to have made it this far in life. Apparently there are things I need to do still.

One aspect of life I struggle with is ultimatums. When a friend makes demands and threatens to stop talking to me if I don’t conform. Sheila demanded that I phone her more. I didn’t. Haven’t seen her for twenty years. It wasn’t on purpose. I liked her a lot. And I was always there when she called and wanted to do something. For her, my go along personality meant I didn’t care. Because if I did I would call her more. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. And yet, I didn’t put in the effort. I was married with kids. Soon to be a grandmother. She was divorced. No kids. Our lives were very different. And so it ended. and although I think of her now and again, she does pass from my thoughts quickly.

Eighteen months ago a group of protesters set up camp and partially blocked the Trans Canada highway just outside of Calgary. They were protesting the carbon tax which was something I was in agreement with. I was annoyed that I was inconvenienced but I was also bothered by the messaging. There were so many signs saying Fuck Trudeau. So I put a comical spin on it and texted two friends saying “Hey. All the gays have showed up for this protest. Everybody wants to fuck Trudeau.” My one friend was a bit confused as I am very supportive of the rights of the LGBTQ2S+ community. Texts have a way of messing with your meaning. Anyways, after a bit of back and forth, all through text, my friend suggested we limit topics of conversation so as to not allow our political differences to interfere. I felt we should meet face to face to talk it through. Since that time period I have only see this gal twice. Always with a third friend. Any time we had group plans and others cancelled, she would cancel as well if we were going to be the only two.

So finally I asked for a meet up. We had coffee and went for a walk and I expressed my thoughts that she was avoiding being alone with me. It was all very polite at first. but she became a little more agitated and uncomfortable. At first she said the reason she backed out of lunch or coffee was because its more fun with three of us. That evolved in the statement that our get togethers were not fun anymore. And apparently the reason is that I talk too much. Can’t deny that. I do. Eventually she shared that she was probably in my life because she was needed when my husband died. And maybe that part of our lives was over. And so we went our separate ways and that was that.

The one thing I have learned at this stage in life is that I don’t need to defend myself. We had very different views of the protest as well as our experiences with it. Our political beliefs are opposite and our religious views are also quite different. But for 54 years we have been friends off and on. I know people say we shouldn’t talk about touchy things but I just can’t agree. I find talking to others actually expands my awareness when views differ. Oh, I’m not saying I walk away with my mind changed. I am saying once in awhile someone says something that challenges my beliefs. Or perhaps makes me look deeper into the subject. Maybe even lets me question a long held belief. These are all things that help us to grow as individuals. Being bullied or ridiculed or even made to feel less than when our views differ certainly doesn’t help change peoples minds. In fact it makes them dig in their heels even more. Respectful discussion is about sharing ideas, views and even sources. Lets face it. The old adage is true. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. So why not be open to discussion? That’s a topic unto itself.

I walked into the meeting with my friend really wanting to explain to her that I was still a good friend. The amount of time, effort and money I put into her save the word projects was enormous. I was up for anything. I didn’t say no. I bought fundraising crap I didn’t want or need. I fed homeless people. I supported what was important to her. And I was okay with it. I went out of my way to help make her visions come true. I never said no. I wanted to tell her that the one time I asked for help for two youngsters who needed experimental life saving medical procedures, she didn’t respond. It hurt me. Because I never turned her away. I wanted to say so many things. But I didn’t. Because turning it into a fight about who was the worse friend certainly wouldn’t help. We both have our stories right or wrong. What we don’t have now is a close friendship. And while that is a little sad, I believe it is her choice.

A few months back I went to see Lynyrd Skynyrd. With my daughter and granddaughter. It was a band I had seen many times. The first time my daughter saw them was at a weekend long music festival when she was ten. She has been a big fan since and it seemed right to bring her daughter when the band came to town. It was of course, fantastic. We were on the floor right in front of the sound guy (the best spot to be) and stood through it all, laughing and dancing and singing along. It was fabulous. When I got home that evening, ears ringing, I turned on my cell phone and saw a message from my friend. Apparently she was there that night and in the higher seats. She saw me and called and texted to get my attention. Which is weird because the Saddledome has a capacity for 19,000 at concerts. I responded to the text and she commented on how touching the concert must have been for me since my husband and his friends from high school loved the band so much. I was surprised because my husband wasn’t a fan of Skynyrd. But I wasn’t a fan of his friends either. We were from two different groups and my girlfriend was a part of his group back then. That conversation made me stop and think. Did she even know me?

Recently she reached out to myself and our other gal pal regarding a concert. And I will go. Now there will be four of us. She has invited another friend. A buffer I would think. And that is fine. I quite like the band we will be seeing. The concert is still five months away and anything can happen. Time will soften the edges or we will grow even further apart.. Who knows. And really it doesn’t matter. What matters in life is people you can count on. The ones you know will be there for you when you need a shoulder or an ear. The ones you can trust to be there even after time has gone by but you pick up right where you left off.

I see friends like a colour wheel. The first three colours on the centre of the wheel are red yellow and blue. The primary colours. Next come the secondary colours. Orange green and purple. These are made by mixing the primary colours. After that comes the tertiary colours on the wheel. The secondary colours are mixed to create these shades. With each level of blending the colours move further away from the centre. With friends, I am the centre. The hub. Those in the primary colour group are the closest in my life. Each blending moves people farther out from the hub. They may still be colours I love. Beautiful shades all encompassing the magic of the primary or secondary group. But they have moved away from the core. My core. That which is most important to me. My values and my truth. My friend in many ways has a beautiful heart. Yet she often struggles with her conflicting values. Something quite prevalent with my extremely religious friends. The clouds that overshadowed our friendship have muted her on my colour wheel. She has moved away from the hub. Somewhere on the periphery she floats in my mind.

Our paths have diverged and the only chance that we will intersect once more is if one of us changes course. Only time will tell. But I have learned that the road of my life has many people scattered on the roadside. Looking back I am grateful to them all. They brought lessons, some hard and others easy. They also left me with memories. Happy and sad. But I am looking forward. One step at a time. There is much to do. To see. So much more of the road to travel. And many more people to meet. We are all loners in life. No one travels the same route, no matter who walks by our side at any given moment. And to those who crossed through my life, I only hope I brought them some peace or joy or laughter. To those I hurt, I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. To my primary and secondary colours, thank you for being a part of my life. Happy New Years to one and all. May you find peace.