Recently after a painful life changing event, someone asked me if I had anyone I could turn to or lean on. As I thought about the people who have come in and out of my life I realize how fortunate I am. Although it may not seem that I am private, I am. Oh I vocalize aplenty but that isn’t the same. I share thoughts and opinions and often intimate parts of my life. Stories really. I am an open book though the reality is I let very few people in.
I am an Aquarius. I know. That isn’t real. I’m here to tell you I believe it is. How do I reconcile this with my Christian belief system? Well, my husband has asked me that quite often. I often wonder myself how my life journey has brought me to this place. Choices? Or am I somehow guided? Maybe a little of both. Regardless, the one thing I have learned in this life is that no one has all of the answers. No one knows for sure what is real. And as my son can tell you, anyone who gets an economics degree knows economics is only theory. Bullshit really. It doesn’t ever work no matter how you look at it. Just like life. Lots of theory. Most of it bullshit as well. So, we navigate through it all.
So, moving on… I am an Aquarius. Not only that both my sun and moon sign is in Aquarius so, that’s sort of a double Aquarius. Most people know their sun sign even if they think its silly. Very few know much else. Your moon sign has to do with where the moon was when you were born so time and location of your birth is needed. Your moon sign is all about what’s going on inside. Under wraps so to speak. Subconscious stuff. Because both of my signs are Aquarian I have a double whammy of Aquarian traits.
Aquarians are out there. Eccentric. They are the “idea’s” guys as Rene would say. Always looking to the future. Dreamers in a lot of ways. We often jump on some obscure bandwagon and by the time it becomes mainstream we have moved on. I bought my first yoga pants in the late 1990’s. They were made by Adida’s and I loved them. I discovered Lululemon in 2002. I lunged into their clothing line with great fervour. Then a gal who Rene’ worked with ratted me out. Who does that? The office gals were discussing lululemon and Rene’ mentioned that we had a lot of that in our home. Then one of them told him it was expensive. Ratfink. He went out and bought a ridiculously expensive watch and he named it Lulu. He loved his watches. Anyways, within a few years I decided the pants didn’t hold up like my Adida’s. They had a tendency to pill. So I stopped buying them. Here we are 17 years later and I see their logo everywhere. I am always so surprised as it would not occur to me to buy their clothes. It was a flash in the pan for me. Retro so to speak. Of course we still have Lulu the watch.
Follow through is not our thing though. Unfortunately, Aquarians get bored quickly and move on to the next glorious idea. Thus, the numerous unfinished novels in my computer. In work I am a project person. A nine to five job is jailtime. I need to be in charge of my life. Independent. My hubby always felt I would be a great Auditor. I initially wanted to be a teacher, but quickly changed my mind after a practicum. Schools, clocks, unions and other teachers. So not my thing. Computer science was the next go-to and it served me well. I continued taking night classes throughout my “career”. Mainly for interest’s sake rather than for the paper it gave me. I quite enjoy learning. And then, yep… Boredom.
Freedom is huge for an Aquarian. It is hard for us to commit to another person. Relationships are difficult because we do not like to be tied down. I didn’t want to get married. I thought we could just live together for our whole life. Rene’ was a smart man. And a traditionalist. He knew I would be gone at the first sign of trouble. I acquiesced and we were married. Initially in my marriage I did what 99% of all women do. They try too hard to fit into their man’s world. Losing their own identity in the journey. I always knew I was a bit different, and it was accepted by my first family. My in-laws were polar opposite from me. I lost my way for a long time at first. Our home was more influenced by the in-law side. White walls. Black leather furniture with chrome and glass accents. It was stifling for me. Rene’ grew up in a strict, orderly and regimented home. I grew up with Ditte the hoarder and Kjeld the acceptor. Gradually I pushed back. My personal style was at odds with my new family. I was different. It had always been ok and suddenly my differences were too far gone. I just couldn’t meld into this group of foreigners I call in-laws. Understandable really because each of my husband’s siblings is a Sagittarius. Then one day I gave up. I needed to be myself. The house was renovated. Painted. Yellows, blues, reds and greens. My house is a rainbow. New furniture. Nothing matches and items are added for pure joy. I am eclectic. Not in a good contrived wow way. I buy things I love and they just don’t match. Anything. So my home is just clutter and odd. But, no matter. Things are changed often. My third kitchen is already boring me. My home is peaceful now and calm. Where clutter abounds and joy reigns. It is because Rene’ recognized my need for freedom. He let me fly away when I need to regenerate my soul. He once remarked to Drew that he thought I had left him but hadn’t bothered to tell him. I went to the cabin to check on it and each night I called and said I was staying another night. I love the energy there and it is often hard to leave. He understood. More than any person I have known he got me. That is more important than love. That is acceptance. He was a Leo, so it just worked.
Aquarians love to have lots of friends but we also find friends too much work and energy. We love to go out and have fun but can also be drained emotionally and run and hide from the world for awhile. I call this cocooning. I am not one to instigate friendship. Or contact with a friend. I had a work friend named Sheila. She would call and suggest lunch or coffee and I would drop everything and meet her for a little break. We worked in neighbouring buildings so it was easy and we saw each other two or three times a week. She often mentioned that I never called her. She was always the one who called me. One day she gave me an ultimatum. I had to phone her for the next coffee. That was 15 years ago. I haven’t seen her since. I am not the social organizer. I follow. Unfortunate really as I quite liked her. I wonder what she is up to?
Trust is difficult for us as well. We are apt to just walk away from people who have wronged us. Personally, I know the close friends I have are those who accept me as I am. They also do not camp out on my doorstep or involve themselves on a day-to-day basis. Aquarians often are out to save the world and people as well. I am that person who goes to the climate rally, composts, recycles, choses local and boycotts anyone or anything I feel is wronging the earth. Born and raised in oil crazy Alberta I am odd man out. At least one would think that. Yet there are many likeminded folks here in red neck central. It just doesn’t show in the ballot box. It really doesn’t matter to me personally as I am typically aquarian in my need for individuality. We love being unique. Put me down and you bruise my ego not my feelings. Mainstream is difficult.
When someone lies to me I don’t judge their character. I am offended that they think I am stupid enough to believe their lies. Just because I smile politely doesn’t mean I believe you. I am intelligent. I always knew it. Something also considered common in Aquarians. Unfortunately my scatter brained personae leads others to think I am ditzy. I guess I often come across that way. Therefore, I am not credible. Jumping from idea to idea doesn’t lend credence to stability or intelligence. More so society tends to accept ideas of those with slower thought and quiet countenance. Their delivery is more palatable. As my hubby always said, it is all in the delivery. I guess my way is actually more offensive. Even when I try to sugar coat things rather than my usual blunt approach it not only backfires, the message is lost. You would think I would learn. I know someone who constantly offends those around her by her words, her actions and just her whole thought process. Not an Aquarius, just a professional victim.
My peeps come across as cold and aloof. My daughter married into an Italian family who are big huggers and kissers. I find it a little intrusive and she doesn’t understand my lack of enthusiasm. Might be the Aquarian thing but I am also 100% Danish and they are more apt to shake hands. Although I will chat and visit with anyone anywhere, I see no need to become all touchy. I have a huge personal space. We of the water bearer sign tend to go through life living in our minds. Always looking towards the next great idea. The future. Even right now I am in the midst of a huge renovation undertaking that started as a simple project. I can see the end but I am quite done with the whole affair mentally. Unfortunately my basement is a mess so I must see this through although it kills me.
Humanitarians at heart, we are truly very determined to leave this world a better place. Charities and social causes are big in our books. We believe in human rights all the way down the line. No special interest groups for us. Mind you we can become almost nut nut in focus if a cause is very near and dear to our hearts. While we can be considered eccentric we don’t really see the label as accurate. As a group we tend to just march through life in a different manner. While the rules would dictate a smooth and effortless journey we tend to lose the map and end up where we end up. Just ask my poor children about the family month in Europe. I love road trips and the crazy things that can happen. Rene’ and I sleeping in a twenty four hour McDonalds when we were caught in a rainstorm on a motorbike trip. Sleeping on a bench when there were no vacancies. Again on a motorbike trip. Our grandchildren found these stories strange as they didn’t happen when we were young. This was 18 months ago. What they would think of my youth, well, lets just say a little wild child.
What I have learned through life is that those who are in my inner circle have chosen that spot. They see the odd quirkiness and chose to remain my friend anyways. My mind is like a pinball game and I often navigate in that same manner, All over the place. Just when I seem to get it all together, I do a 180 degree turn and speed off in another direction. Having a spouse who accepted was such a blessing. Having children accept it is also a blessing. Maybe they don’t think about it much as it just is the way it always was in their life. Maybe they do. Who knows? It doesn’t come up much.
I look back on my life and I feel it has been such an incredible journey. Zodiac sign. Birth order. Sex. Religion. Ethnicity. Social or economic standing. Whatever the influence, life has been full. It is a different path I am on now. This solitary walk. That crazy Leo is watching from another vantage point. While he waits for me. Yep. This zodiac thing is real Rene’. I can almost hear his eyes rolling.