Memory Building

A couple of years ago I went to Zoo-Lites with my Grandchildren. A wonderful Christmas tradition here in cold icy Calgary where the Zoo comes alive with millions of lights. That year was obviously a little different with Covid but the magic is still there. The twins, or as Rene’ called them, the bucket boys, weren’t quite sure as they were only 20 months old. The older kids had fun with the interactive “find the missing reindeer” game. No snacks, hot chocolate or carousel and the play areas were closed but the beauty was there. Does it change much year by year? No, but one day the children will remember it as something they did every year. This is what my husband and I referred to as memory building.

As young parents we sometimes needed breaks from kids and we were lucky that both of our parents lived near each other. If we needed a night out or had to work a weekend, the kids went to Grandma’s. Sometime we all stayed at Grandma’s. In the end the kids have many memories of time with their Grandparents. Rene’ and I always agreed that some of our fondest memories were when we stayed with our Grandmothers. His Granny was just across the yard while my Farmor lived a short drive away. He remembered canadian bacon for breakfast which became a life long treat. I remember when Farmor hauled the spare bed into her room so I could be closer to her without sleeping in her bed. He remembers the bats in the trees when he had to use the outhouse at night. I can almost smell the beautiful yellow roses that lined the walkway. Being with Grandparents isn’t just about doing things. Its about not doing things. The rules are different. You don’t have to do dishes or clean or any icky stuff when you are at Grandma’s. You can read a book. Watch a movie. Empty the toy drawer. Play a game. Explore the yard. Sleep without brothers and sisters bugging you. It’s just a pleasant place where snacks are everywhere and vegetables are never a must.

Raising children is a blur. It goes by so fast and suddenly you are an empty nester. Lots of time on your hands. Doing what you want when you want. You go from being the foreman in life to being an on call consultant. The kids call with a problem and you respond. That is your role now for your kids. But you are there as a sounding board as well. Listen to them vent. Take it all in. Hope they feel better and then as you walk to your car you throw all of their anxiety and sadness out into the universe to be smoothed away and cleansed. The trick with adult kids is to hear their concerns but not own them. Don’t make them your own. That is the toughest part. But Grandchildren. That is another story. It isn’t about presents. It isn’t about buying them the best. It certainly isn’t about making sure they are better than others. It is about spending time with them and giving them a sense of security. A safe place.

My granddaughter Mabes always had a stomachache when my daughters family came over. She felt unwell. So I would take her in my bedroom, have her lay on my bed with a blanket and I would give her the remote for the TV. She wasn’t sick. She needed alone time. I would bring her a juice or ginger ale and she would spend the visit alone in my room. That is what she will remember most. When Missy was three she wanted to learn how to play Chess. She loved Papa’s chess set and we played often. Games are the go to for her. We play backgammon all the time when she is here. Louie just wants you to hear all about his latest obsession which changes often. The twins are easy. They love to cuddle and read stories. John John just loved to be held. No matter the activity she would crawl on your lap. My sweet Pea was like Louie. Sat on your lap facing you and sharing every thought she had. If you looked away for one moment she gently but firmly took your face in her hands and turned your head to face her. And G, well she was happy doing anything. Sharing and listening she was always smiling.

The other day, I went to five different hockey games. Two grandkids, my cousins grandson, my daughter and my son in laws niece. It doesn’t take anything but time to watch them play, but it is something that they will remember. It is exciting for them to know you are there. I am exhausted but I have lots of time to recuperate. I once drove three hours to Edmonton to watch my oldest Granddaughter swim. The look on her face was worth it. Kids need to feel special and I think that is the role of a grandparent. I have found that when I watch my twin grandsons, they adore when I read to them. That is one of my most cherished memories. My older sister would read to me. It was magical how her voice transformed the written words into a movie in my head. Recently I arrived to sit with them after they had already gone to sleep. Awhile later I heard one crying out for Daddy. He was sad, still half asleep and inconsolable. I asked if he wanted to read a book and the crying stopped. We got a few books and a flashlight and all was well. His brother was sleeping soundly and I didn’t want to turn the light on. It was the best story telling time. I made up most of the stories as the little guy shone the light everywhere but on the book, but he didn’t notice. The cuddling and the sound of my voice was soothing. And the ceiling was fascinating as he explored every inch with the light.

My children have told me of memories that have stuck with them over the years. Sounds, smells, places and people. All have a way of bringing back special times in our lives. The sound of running water in the bathtub brought my son peace. He knew I was just on the other side of the wall with my book and tea and some candles. It was as cozy as if I was right there with him. One daughter has fond memories when we all dressed in our finest clothes and went downtown to eat and shop at Christmas time. The decorations were gorgeous and we had such a lovey time. It was something we did because it was a magical time in my own life. I wanted to relive the time as an adult. The other daughter always rode her bike with Dad when he ran the Terry Fox 10K run. A bonding time and later in life she would ask him again to run with her. My parents played cards and had a motorhome to hang out in. My mother in law had a trunk of dress up clothes. Things my kids will always remember.

Years ago I bought advent calendars for my grandkids. Reusable ones made out of wood. I fill them with little trinkets and candies and it is so fun to buy all of the silly little things. Over time it has become quite pricey and buying new ones for new grandkids has become a chore. The twins broke theirs last year. They don’t make things to last like they used to. So I am on the hunt for new ones as I buy up the little goodies. With only a couple of weeks to go I better get my butt in gear. Advent was magical for me as a child and now in my old age I am still so filled with joy as I bring out the advent wreath and the little nativity scene. The soft lights on the mantle with the long pine garlands. Candles everywhere and the smell of baking. The last few years were a bit different as some of the joy was lost in our family. That piece can never be replaced but we can still create the magic for the littles. We owe it to them to bring the magic back year after year.

Memory building isn’t hard to do. It starts with a pinch of joy, children see and feel when we are happy. We add in an activity or two that includes them and maybe makes them the star. Games. Cards. Puzzles. Even building a snowman or carving a pumpkin. Next comes repetition. Camping every year. Fondue on New Years eve. Sleeping on the floor with cousins by the Christmas tree at Grandma’s house. July First BBQ. Finally, keeping the traditions going even when they aren’t there. Because one day, when they come back, they want to feel the comfort and love they felt as a child. The want to relive the memories that they have stored away in their minds. Because that is what brings children joy as they age. Knowing that out there. somewhere are people who are missing them, loving them and hoping they are doing well. Growing up is hard sometimes. It is also very exciting going out into the world and finding who you are on your own. And when times get lonely or kids are unsure of themselves, their memories bring them back to a place in time when they felt safe and secure. Wrapped in a cocoon of love.

There was a period when I stopped putting up my Christmas tree. It was heavy and cumbersome. The joy wasn’t there. But I am back baby. I remember how wonderful it was going to my Mom’s as an adult. I know now they did it all for us. Not themselves. The smells of moms cooking. The fireplace burning. The tree with all of the old decorations. I was at my daughters the other day and her husband was putting up the Christmas lights. As I left I thought back to when my kids were young. The traditions and customs we followed. Dad putting up lights. Me packing away pictures to make room for the advent decorations. It is time to carry on for the Grandkids. Not just going through the motions. It is time to put my heart back into it. So I better get going. I have nine Advent calendars to fill and three to buy. Because you never know… Life is magical and our memories can keep the magic inside of us.