The Proportions Are All Wrong

I made a little Asian inspired dish for lunch today. A little chopped turkey. Some carrots and cabbage. Egg noodles. And of course all the spices and sauces that made the Asian dishes so incredibly yummy. The hot steaming bowl is just so incredible and I sit by my window with my book beside me to enjoy lunch. I twirl the noodles and pop them in my mouth and then immediately scoop in some of the meat and veggies. They always fall off of the chopsticks. Ever since I was a small child I have made sure that each mouthful had a consistent amount of each food. My mother always gave me a stern look when I was young if I stirred my meat, veggies, gravy and potatoes together into a lovely soupy mess. But in my childlike mind, it ensured that each spoonful had the same proportions. As I matured and started to eat like a grown up, I found ways to make this happen at ever mealtime. I always want to be finished everything at the same time. There is a certain level of comfort in my OCD’ish brain. Today, because I love noodles and anything starch-like so much, I am left with too many carrots and meat at the end of the meal. I am disappointed as the last few bits just don’t please me as much as the first few.

But it got me to thinking. This is how it is with life. There are times when we need consistency in our life. A bit of stability to see us through. Often times it is when we are in a period of anxiety or emotional upheaval and we just don’t have enough energy to deal with everything. So, we fall back into patterns that we developed in times of stress. Going with the flow and allowing life to happen around us so we can deal with whatever new crap life has thrown our way. We are on autopilot for a time until our energy levels go up or the experience has passed and is no longer consuming as much time or brain power. The same thing can happen when we are on a high in life. Something has changed and caught our eye. We feel excited with some new way. We’ve had an epiphany of sorts and need to share with the world. But the world maybe isn’t ready. The people around us can’t see this new vibration. They don’t feel it. Because it isn’t their reality. But we need confirmation that we are on the right path so we share and share and share but the responses don’t change. And we are so depleted from sharing, that we return to the old way. To heal. To find comfort. To find consistency and balance in the everyday. 

All of this is actually how we grow and evolve. Not because of our own experiences necessarily. But how the world reacts to our experiences. It’s one thing to live your life in a secluded way and find new ways to learn. It is a whole other ballgame when you try and better yourself while including the world in your life. I know for a fact that my go-to is seclusion. That’s how I heal. Lick my wounds in private. That was my way as a child and also continues to be my pattern as an adult. Now I was always quick to run to my mom or dad if something happened. I hurt myself physically. Or a child said something mean. Or even if something made no sense to me. Those two people were the ones to clarify life to a child’s mind. The why’s of the world. There was a trust there. They made not have really had it going on in their own lives but I didn’t see that until I was older. In times of bewilderment, I often tried to work things out for myself. I was that weirdo that loved to read the encyclopedia as a child. I am truly the extreme person in life. I always loved going out. Movies. Parties. Dances. Pubs. Concerts. But a point comes when I am exhausted. Not physically. Energetically. I need to go home. Recuperate. Rest. That is my sanctuary. It is where the energy of my home helps me to heal. But then… I need people. I need to talk. Visit. Exchange ideas. And then I need peace and space and time to read and learn and digest information. In order to go out and visit and exchange ideas.

This is where the proportions come in. We all need the ups and downs in our life. The problem is how big is the bandwidth. Mine used to be huge. I could go from 100 down to minus 100 and back again. Never staying in the middle around zero for very long. That is the place of homeostasis. Equilibrium. The flatline. I once saw a quote where a man told his therapist he just wanted complete peace and harmony in life at all times. The therapist was quick to point out that in reality, flatlining is when you die. And if we aren’t going up and down what are we doing? Existing? Is that the goal in life. Pretty low bar as far as goals are concerned. Sometimes people stay in that place for too long because of fear. Because things happened in life that hurt and they don’t want to go back there. I get it. But when the actions of other people cause you to dull your own sparkle, so to speak, you do a disservice to yourself. They win. Even when they didn’t know they were playing the game. That’s really sad.

My highs and lows are much different now. Maybe 50 to minus 50 is where I am at on most days. In other words, I have brought things back into a proportional awareness that I can handle. No more spinning out of control but, no bouts of deep sadness and anger either. I recently had a spiral which left me in a very emotional spot which I had trouble dealing with on my own. For the first time in a long time I just let the emotions flow. I didn’t try and stifle it. I didn’t try and seclude myself away and sit in my own despair. Wallowing in self pity. Afraid that I would appear weak. Or perhaps, as was sometimes the case, keep silent because I was afraid I would be judged. Made to feel it was my fault or I deserved it in some way. I did something about it. I let it out and it wasn’t as bad as I had made it to be in my mind. The best thing was that I didn’t rest in that comfort zone of self pity for long. I cried, shared and then tried to fix my life. I feel like such a grown up. 

It takes a life time of ups and downs to find out where we truly need to be in this world. But we can’t shut the world out completely. Because if our life is calm and peaceful at all times but we are alone, when truly wonderful things happen the joy is diminished somewhat. And when tragedy strikes, there is no one to help. We are meant to share our lives. Good and bad. Highs and lows. To fluctuate up and down at a smaller vibration is a truly lovely balance. But life is so worth living when we hit the true highs and lows now and again. It has taken me a lifetime to come to terms with who I am and what I have become. But the most important lesson of all is that I am not finished. There is so much more to learn out there and there are so many people and opportunities to teach me lessons I still need to learn. I have learned that who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. I just need to remember that I don’t have to have the exact same proportions in each bite. Sometimes I just have to eat all the yummy noodles even if tomorrow I only get the carrots.