Men and Women, Cats and Dogs

Years ago there was a popular book written by John Gray titled “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus” It basically tried to explain the differences between men and women and how their brains work. I did own it at one time and it was interesting although in reality, anyone who has been in a relationship of any sort with the opposite sex, knows we are different.

My personal opinion is more that women are like Cats and men are like Dogs. Think about it for a minute. Although I generalize quite a bit I think you will see my point. Let me explain. Lets look at cats for a moment. They are somewhat aloof. They are so dainty while they eat. Little nibbles. And drinking? So quiet and refined. They spend a lot of time grooming themselves. In a large group they sit around and leave each other alone. Often grooming one another and lying close while resting. They make content purring noises, often as they caress each other. But watch out. One false move and the claws and fangs come out. They can tear each other to shreds. The term “Cat Fight” wasn’t accidental. It really is a bloodbath.

So what about the female of the human species? Well, women spend a lot of time trying to look good. Often hanging together in groups. Havin’ a little wine and a few nibbles as they laugh and share and visit. When one is down and out the rest come to her rescue. Build her up. Hug her. Cry with her and generally take care of her until she is okay again. But piss one of them off and she will destroy you. Talk behind your back, stop talking to you, eventually confront you and tell you everything you did that was wrong. Or maybe she will just ignore you and eye roll when you enter a room. There will be no mistaking how she feels. Everyone sees and feels when two women are mad at each other. To the extreme there is also incidences of physical brawls. Crazy right? Lets face it though… Women fighting is usually quite comical.

Now Dogs. Well, they are a whole other kinda animal. My hubby loved to tell this joke. If you want to know who loves you more, lock your wife and your dog into the trunk of your car for an hour and see who is happy to see you when you let them out. He thought it was hilarious. But it is true. Dogs just seem stupid for some reason. Or maybe what I mean is simple. Uncomplicated. They sniff your butt, they lick themselves, and they drink out of a toilet. Oh some are prettier than others. A lot of the little ones have little dog syndrome. They like to run around and play. Chase balls. Fetch sticks. Jump. Run. When you pay attention to them they are so overjoyed. When you don’t they are puzzled. Confused. So they lay down with their heads on their paws and wait until you want to play again.

So too with men. They love competition. They love sports. They like to get a woman’s attention and yet they have absolutely no idea how to do it. They stumble through dating and relationships with a confused look on their face until the day they die. If she is happy they are happy. If she isn’t, they lay low until she is again. They spit, scratch themselves and are generally crude when in a group. When there is a dust up, they fight it out while the others watch until someone backs down or there is a clear winner. Then everyone slinks away and it is over. No grudges. No nothing. It is over!

Maybe I generalize a little too much but the truth of the matter is evolution has hardwired our brains for different functions. Basically these generalizations have a basis in evolution. Once, a grown man we know was offended about something and held a grudge for a long long time. My husbands comment? “He is such a girl!” Hard to admit but he was acting like a little girl. Of course there are wide variations in both men and women but throughout time, whether evolutionary or just learned behaviour, men and women act differently in response to the actions of others. Hormones have a huge impact on people as well. I had some hormonal issue when I was younger. Way too much estrogen an almost non existent testosterone. Huge reason behind my reproductive issues. However when I was given low doses of testosterone as well as progesterone, weird things happened. I started to lose weight. Not fast and crazy but without trying. As well, my libido skyrocketed. To the point where my husband thought I should talk to the Doctor about lowering the dosage. He was exhausted. I have to admit that seeing how hormones affected me caused me to have a bit of anxiety. For awhile I felt like who I was, how I thought, my feelings, all of these things that I thought made up the core of me… weren’t really me. They were so linked to hormonal levels. It was sad in a way.

My oldest daughter has only girls. By and large that household is quieter and calmer. The lifestyle is a lot more scheduled and regulated which may account for this but I know from experience my girls were relatively quiet in play. My second daughter has a girl and then three younger boys. The girl has a sign on her bedroom door denying entry to her younger brothers. This household is more like mine was. Some structure but no real hard and fast rules. It is usually loud and chaotic. Lots of running indoors and out with toys everywhere. Now both households are involved in sports both parents and children. But the house with the girls, the whole family is more devoted to individual sports. Swimming, running, skiing. While that daughter always played team sports before marriage. The other household with the boys, is more team sport oriented. Ice hockey, ball hockey, soccer, lacrosse and baseball. The individual sport most prevalent with the boy family is golf. This daughter was a gymnast but also played team sports in her youth. Kind of a hybrid. My son was a quiet little boy in many ways but he was the one who got stitches. Had no fear. Tried anything and everything. He also broke things. The girls not so much.

As young people grow and evolve they do find their own way. Their comfort zone. The way they are raised does influence their adult behaviours but there is so much more to it than that. The men in the world, no matter how manly and aggressive or assertive are still quite often completely confused by women. The quiet and calm men seem more understanding but there is always that doubt in the back of their minds about what is going on with women. I have come to the conclusion that most men really aren’t assholes, as some women would have you believe. They are just wired differently. My hubby was a guys guy. Loved team sports. Playing, watching. Loved it all. He was a good looking guy. Girls liked him. He was educated. Not a rocket scientist kind of smart but he had a deeper wisdom about a lot of things. He made a good living and he cared deeply about the people he loved. He was quiet and respectful and everyone loved him. But inside, he was still a little bit afraid of women. He had an idea of what type of person he wanted to share his life with, and I checked off quite a few of the boxes. Unfortunately, he fell fast and hard and he was blinded to my crazy side. Poor guy. On the other hand, he was the dead opposite of anyone I had ever dated. It worked out. But it was work for the first few years.

Part of the problem is expectations. We meet someone, we are infatuated, we marry and after the honeymoon phase we think to ourselves… who is this person I married? And then we spend a great deal of time wanting them to change. Then trying to change them. And ultimately, many end the marriage because the other person just didn’t try hard enough. What that really means that they didn’t try hard enough to be the person I made up in my mind while we were dating. The problem is quite simple. When we are in the infatuation stage we completely overlook our partners flaws. And they aren’t really flaws. They are things that slightly annoy us. Over time though these habits get really annoying. Interestingly enough, these annoying habits don’t bother us as much when it is a friend or casual acquaintance. Why is that? Because we judge those we love more.

I think in many ways women are overly sensitive to the atmosphere because they need to be aware of what’s going on with a baby or child. That sensitivity extends out into life. They feel something is off and question it. Sometimes it goes a little too far. They start to overthink. Frankly I have had entire conversations in my head many times where I play both parts. Obviously my hubby was wrong in everyway in these imaginary fights. I always won. We say stupid things. My favourite stupid comment is “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong. You should just know.” Lets unwrap that and chuck it out in one fell swoop. Men can’t read minds. I know. It’s crazy right. But they can’t. And going back to the dog analogy, men are just trotting along living life when all of a sudden their woman is mad. When they stand and look at you with their goofy confused deer in the headlights face… Their brains are on overdrive as they search through their memory bank to find what it was they did to upset you. And if you walk away, all they want to do is run. But they know its wrong. My hubby never chased me after a fight. He was just thankful I left him in peace. Some might follow and attempt to hasten the peaceful time that follows a fight. But that doesn’t work either. There is no win here for a man. Ever.

Men on the other hand are fixers. When a woman is having issues with someone, like a friend, co-worker or relative, she just wants to spew it out. Rant like a category 5 hurricane. It gains strength and intensifies with each passing moment and any man witnessing knows in his heart that it is only a matter of time before the rage is directed at him. So, he tries to de-escalate. Such a rookie move and yet some men just never get it. He tries to help fix the situation. Give advice on how to handle the asshole in their wives life. Not horrible really but still, not a great move. But the big mistake. The one from which there is no coming back… explaining the enemies point of view. Oh my Gosh that is like throwing gas on a bonfire. Everyone is destroyed and walks away with a red face and no eyebrows, hoping they live to see another day.

We are different. But I think it is really important to understand that most of these trivial things are truly evolutionary. Hormonal. It all has to do with staying alive and protecting ourselves. Jealousy can be ugly but for a young Neanderthal woman pumping out babies, life is dependant on keeping that man she has. They want the big brute who will keep them safe. The man wants the one who looks like she will pump out strong offspring. Our female beauty tricks are all designed to attract a mate sexually. It is evolution people and we can argue against it or demand things change but it took along time to get to this point in life. Ultimately, what we want in life, in any relationship, is understanding. We want people to “get” us. And when it comes to a life partner any deviation strikes fear into our core. Holding back isn’t the answer. Wanting them to change will never work. Because people really can’t change to suit another person and remain happy. A piece of us dies when we go against our true nature. Burying our fears doesn’t help either. It eats away until we just stop liking our person. And that is sad. and completely avoidable.

I had to learn a lot about relationships by being married. Gosh we fought about some stupid things. But the one really huge factor that kept us together was our core values. What we though was important. And these were things we developed throughout our lives, before there was a “We”. Our Pastor had us take some tests before we got married. One was putting priorities in order of importance. You know… Love, Money, Family, Sex, God, Health, etc. There were twenty items and we needed to number them one to twenty. We also had to answer a bunch of questions as ourselves and then answer the same questions how we thught the other peson would answer. Frankly, I knew going in that my future husband was basically my opposite so I didn’t expect us to do well. And yet, when we got back our results I was amazed. Our priority test was almost identical. And the Pastor charted pur answers to the other tests and showed us the graphs. Our answers to the questions were so different. Where I went up, he went down. Yet when she showed how both he and I answered questions from my point of view the lines on the graph were amazingly in line. What this showed us was yes, we were very different people. But we knew it and we understood that the other person was different. But the most important thing was our values. Our priorities. In line.

I wasted a lot of time being mad about stupid things. So did he. But in time we got it. He was my puppy. Happy when life was good and confused when it wasn’t. He loved being with the other dogs but I was who he trusted. I gave him the love and acceptance he needed. I was his cat. Unpredictable but mostly content with life. And he left me alone. Let me live life my way. But he was there to fawn over me when life was too hard. So the next time you feel that guy or girl is just too much, remember… they really are trying their best. When you love someone, you want what is best for them. Always. Helping them to love themselves is the ultimate gift. And the first step is to recognize who they truly are. They are cats and dogs. They can get along.