Did They Really Hurt You or Did They Just Not Live Up To Your Expectations

Wow. That was a title and a half. I just couldn’t think of another way to word this post. But now that I look at it again, I guess that kind of says it all. Never the less I am going to give you a little deeper look into my opinion on the matter. Because it is my blog. 

Whether it is a romantic relationship, family, coworkers or friends, everyone enters into relationships with certain expectations from the other person. Inside of all of us we have a set rule book on how things should go with other people. Some are written in stone, and some can be tweaked a bit depending on the situation. However, as a new relationship develops, we get to know the other people a bit better. We see how they interact with the world around them both physically and mentally. In time we start to get a clearer picture of the newbie as well as a little deeper look into our own feelings. Then a whole other list of rules starts to take shape in our minds. I’m not saying this is good or bad, right or wrong. I am just saying, we all do it. As we go through life we develop a comfort zone and the older we get, the more we stick within that zone. It’s where we feel good. Calm. Safe even. It makes a lot of sense that we want to protect ourselves not just physically but also emotionally. And we also want to be liked. Especially in the beginning. We often try too hard to please the other person but we also overlook some of the things on our list that would have bothered us in the past. Here’s the problem. They will bother us in the future. 

So we meet someone new. We test to see if they fit into the initial parameters we have set in our minds. If not, we move on. But if there is a spark and we find ourselves enjoying this new person, we let our guard down and share a bit more about ourselves. It doesn’t matter if we are introverted or extraverted, we will all make the initial judgement call quite quickly. We end up searching these people out in the future or dismissing them out of hand. I’m not talking about being rude or even gushing for that matter. We start a new job. We meet the immediate crew and in a short period of time we make up our minds just how much we want to see these people. It is a dance we do regardless of the environment in which we meet these individuals. They do it too. Check the boxes. See where we fit in. It is much easier for some people to do this. That being said, it is much easier for some to fake it as well and that my friends is where the real problems pop up. 

I am lucky in a lot of ways because although my bullshit meter isn’t always spot on, it usually doesn’t matter. A fraud or a faker can scam me for quite awhile. I am pretty easily taken in. I truly believe that they are showing me their true self. When I finally see the rip in the fabric it isn’t really a big problem for me. I am not the collector of friends so it is really easy for me to just let people go. Move along. Their under belly has been shown and I am just not gonna bother. I have to admit that I have only really had one friend break my heart. She walked out of my life without ever really telling me why. I found out eventually. In time. Mutual acquaintances talk. It hurt for quite awhile. But time has a way of making you see the truth. She was a narcissist. The signs were there but I had never met anyone like that before. Rather than be upset, I am grateful for the experience. Now. I know I was authentic in that relationship. I liked her a lot and we had fun. She was always the one who got her way. Until she didn’t. And then you were punished. Believe it or not I am so grateful she came into my life. I learned a very valuable lesson in those younger years. When I was no longer feeding her ego, I became out of favour. But when I started to speak up and do things my own way, I was tossed out like the trash. I was done. She had certain expectations from her entourage. When we failed to meet those expectations, we were out. I wasn’t the first and I probably wasn’t the last.

These days there seems to be a little confusion over expectations as opposed to boundaries. Words get thrown around a lot these days and boundaries is big. I do believe that there are many circumstances when people have to set boundaries with the people around them. I get it. We do need to protect ourselves from being hurt. Here’s the thing. A boundary isn’t a moving target. It has to be well defined and it starts with soul searching. What is it you really want in your life? What is it that the other person does that causes anxiety. What can they change. What do you want them to start or stop doing that causes such feelings of angst. Make it clear. Then tell them. Nicely. But also make it clear what will happen if the behaviour doesn’t stop. And you have to make the punishment fit the crime. Say your Mom phones too much and it makes you nuts. Tell her. But also let her know it bothers you because you’re busy but you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Tell her when is a good time. Or how often. Compromise. If she doesn’t agree, tell her you will only answer at certain times. Make sure she knows its not personal its just too much. You know the line… Its not you, its me. 

While we are all naturally egocentric beings, we need to really try and see things in a grown up manner. In a relationship it isn’t just about what is expected from one side. At work employers have certain ideas about how the job will go. Their expectations, if they are good at their job, are outlined clearly. Now an employee can blindly accept this or they can add a few ideas of their own. If employer and employee expectations don’t line up, it probably isn’t going to be a great environment for either. Best not take that job. The same goes for any relationship really whether it is platonic or romantic. Family dynamics are tough because we are raised to feel family ties are stronger than anything else. The family comes before the individual. Yet sometimes that doesn’t work for people. Not everyone’s needs are met in their family because not everyone has the same needs. Sometimes the other members of the family just aren’t capable of meeting those need’s. It is a crap shoot really.

Now when thinking about the boundaries you can’t sit and write out every little thing your nemesis does that bugs you. Now we are into rule territory. Follow the rules. Here is a copy. Now feelings are hurt and there is push back. Everybody telling everybody else how unreasonable you are. But a long list of rules is more like a personal attack. Can you even call it a boundary if you just want people to change some core personality aspect? I get asked quite often what happened with my daughter to cause this current estrangement. I just say the list of my sins is too long. If people really want to know they can ask her. I can say though that In time I came to feel my entire existence was despised. After my husband died there was a day I walked away understanding that the wrong parent had died. At least in her eyes. That isn’t a boundary. That is a punishment for not being the parent she wanted. She wanted a mother like my Mom. The problem was, my mom was the grandmother. Grandparents treat their grandchildren different than they treated their kids. That is normal.

With age comes greater wisdom. If I could go back in time to a younger me with the knowledge I have gleaned over the years, I would probably make less mistakes. I would never make a poor decision. I would never take chances or risks. I would never feel the fear of failure nor the joy and excitement of something new. There would be no wonder. I wouldn’t know the magic of falling in love for the first time. Or the overwhelming awe after giving birth to a child. I would do everything possible to be the best. To never come in second place. But then I would just be a shell of a person. A robot. Going through life but not living. There are people who live life this way now. I know people like this. They cannot ever give in to impulses for fear of judgment or rejection. They live by strict self imposed rules. There is no end in sight because the finish line keeps moving. I am who I am because of the things that happened in my life. I am where I am on this day because of choices, random cosmic interference and serendipity. I am who I am because of the unending parade of people wandering though my life. How I chose to react to these people dictates heavily how my life will play out. It isn’t their actions that define me, rather it is my reactions which help me develop into the person I am.

So then what? How do we make things work? Well, there is no easy answer really. It can start with looking into our selves and being honest. My husband made the very profound statement to me once in the heat of an argument. He was not responsible for my happiness. It shut me up really fast because it was true. But the greater lesson from that was that I was not responsible for his happiness either. We had very different views as to how a family and home should operate. He would express his views and often I would take it upon myself to enforce his rules. Or make decisions for the kids that I didn’t necessarily agree with. Over time I realized I had become the bad guy in the relationship. I was the mean parent. But they were things that I didn’t care about, I just wanted him to feel peace. I was angry with him for making me that person. But I chose to be that person. I did it. No one held a gun to my head. I had no right to be angry with him. I did do an abrupt about face which I must say confused the poor boy. But I found personal freedom. When he complained about a child’s messy bedroom I just told him to shut the door so he couldn’t see it. I stopped taking on his views. Many of them to do with childrearing. Our relationship changed in many ways as well and we started to live in a more cohesive way as we respected each others right to opinions; even if we didn’t share the same opinion.

Sometimes life is just too overwhelming and it is hard to do the work. So we blame others. The government, religious fanatics, immigrants, Russia, and the big one, our Mothers. We all need scapegoats once in awhile. But the most important lesson I have learned from the hard parts in my life is that only I can make life better for me. And it just comes down to accepting responsibility for my own life and admitting that I am to blame for most of my unhappiness. So yeah, sometimes people don’t live up to my expectations. But that’s my problem and I need to deal with that. I can still feel hurt or sad or a myriad of emotions. I am human. That’s part of my existential angst. The question is how long do I feel sorry for myself? The answer to that will decide which path I chose to take in the blame game.