Why Are You Trying To Make Me Sad?

I was sharing with a friend one day a little story about my grandson. Louie loves hockey. When we are together our conversations are all hockey. Well it is less of a conversation than it is a steady stream of everything he knows about hockey interspersed with questions. Sadly, my answers are lacking but he doesn’t seem to mind. He is completely absorbed with the sport. And he is very competitive. Every January Calgary hosts a city wide tournament. Calgary minor hockey week is the largest tournament in the world. Over 13,000 kids take part. There are more than 650 teams and it takes place over a week in 40 arenas across the city. All teams from U7 to U18. Ihad four Grandchildren in the tournament this year and it was a busy week. I saw 23 games.

My granddaughters team won gold in her division. They won every game which was amazing. Louies team lost the first game but battled back on the B-side only to be defeated in the gold medal final by a team who has been undefeated this season. Louie was heartbroken. He hates to lose. The thing I notice about Louie is that he is so dedicated to the game. He is determined to be better and better. A loss just seems to make him more determined than ever to succeed. He amazes me. This was what I shared with my friend. How Louie uses loss as a motivator. I feel it will serve him well in life. Her response was a bit of a surprise to me. She proceeded to warn me about the damage that can be done when a child is pushed to succeed. As I walked away from the conversation I felt a little sad. At first I thought she missed the point I was trying to make. But then I realized how often she is a Debbie downer when I am excited about something. Always pointing out the negatives in life.

I remember years ago after my third child was born. I had post partum depression and by the time he was two years old I had not only failed to lose the pregnancy weight, I had gained an extra twenty five pounds. I decided to join weight watchers. It was the first time in my life I had dieted. I was surprised at the lack of support from people around me. One gal I worked with told me I was wasting my time and money because I would just gain it back again. Little did she know that her comments made me even more determined. On the other hand two people were so encouraging. A gal I was training on a new system loved to snack on sweets. She was in her fifties and in good shape but she had a sweet tooth. Well, she stopped eating treats at work. She felt that it was how she could support me. Well four moths later I had lost the baby fat and then some. And my co-worker lost five pounds. Her empathy was a win win for both of us.

I love to garden and my entire yard is flower beds and pots. I start planning in January and start a lot of my own bedding plants. I love it so much. For me the joy isn’t in the end result. It is the daily toil as I get on my knees, get my hands dirty and mess about. It brings me so much joy and I find peace when I am in the garden. One day I was in my bathroom when my mother-in-law came by. My hubby stood with her at the kitchen window gazing out at the backyard pointing out some of the changes I had made. The pride was obvious in his voice. I could hear their conversation clearly. All she said was “That girl sure does like to make a lot of work for herself”. To which my husband replied, “She loves it. And I think it is beautiful.” He knew I had heard and as I entered the living room, he came over and kissed my cheek and squeezed my hand. He was sorry.

We are all confronted with people in life who want to stomp on our joy. For whatever reason there are those who just need to be mean, all under the guise of “warning us” of future failure. I make mistakes and sometimes my decisions lead to a bit of regret. I can recognize these choices on my own. But I learn from the results. You know. Not gonna do that again type of epiphany. There are people who I trust who I would welcome to give opinions on decisions that I struggle with. That trust comes from the knowledge that these people love me. Thay want what is best for me. Funny thing though, they are the people who never offer opinions. Unless I ask.

Now, even though I sometimes feel a little down after a conversation with a Debbie downer, the feeling passes quickly as I try to understand their personal motivation. The girl at work who was negative about my plans for weight loss was a very large girl. Right or wrong, I chose to believe her negativity stemmed from jealousy of me or disappointment in herself. As for my Mother-In-Law, well, she was never my biggest fan. I don’t think she ever really learned that her comments didn’t put a wedge between my husband and myself. Over time it pushed him closer to me as he gradually saw her for what she was. In fact, it truly hurt him and put him in a bad place. As for the acquaintance who warned me about my grandsons future disappointments, well, she has always been that way. Looking back I realize she has always had negative comments about my kids. It just took me this long to realize that this was her go to. Whether she means well or not, she makes me sad with her judgments. Going forward I guess I have to change. I will limit my time with her. And that is okay. We don’t need other people to make us feel sad.

While it may seem that these are little things, I believe that whatever we feel around other people, we are entitled to let the feelings flow. It is important to sit with our feelings if only to understand a little bit about the “why’s” of our emotions. It is well known that we are all our own worst critics. No one can be meaner to ourselves than ourselves. It is a bad habit to be self deprecating. One we all need to try and overcome. My daughter and I had a long talk about this recently. Why we do it. Where does it start? And I think she made me realize that when we down play our talents or say mean things about ourselves, it is like a pre-emptive strike. The problem is, it hurts. Whether self inflicted or from others. We can’t do much about others being mean. But we can try and change the narrative and say kind things to ourselves. We don’t need to brag or try and place ourselves above others. Neither do we need to put ourselves down.

I read a quote once which can teach us how to go forward. I am paraphrasing because I have no idea who said it, where I heard it or how it goes. Basically the premise is, “We do not need to speak of our own actions. For our friends will tell of our accomplishments and our enemies will spread details of our downfalls.” So I guess it is on us to just keep our mouths shut or risk judgment, good or bad. As I ponder my grandson and think of my friends word, I think back to an evening last Saturday. My daughter was playing hockey and my son-in-law and four kids were sitting alongside me as we watched her play. The younger twins were playing with toys, oblivious to their Mom’s game. My granddaughter was watching intently. She is always sure her team could beat her Mom’s team. But my grandson was beside his Dad asking a multitude of questions. And his Dad, was gently using the game as a teaching tool. The two sat chatting as father and son did a mini scouting report on both teams. My son-in-law would explain what went well and what could have been done better. They watched both teams, one obviously a bit more skilled and Louie listened intently as his father explained plays, player positioning, errors and successes. Most importantly they cheered and clapped when Drew’s team scored. Here was a family who played together. They showed up for each other. They encouraged each other. But most importantly, these two parents allow their kids to pursue their own dreams.

I wish the best for all of my grandchildren. I hope they all have the freedom to pursue their dreams without the naysayers. I wish them the confidence to make their own choices without fear of failure, rejoicing in the wins and learning from the losses. I hope they are able to recognize the Debbie downers in the world as pins just waiting to pop their bubbles. I wish for each of them the confidence to venture into the world, sure that they will be more than okay. I hope they find the courage to surround themselves with kind and loving friends, who will lift them so high that the naysayers can never pull them down.

Rudyard Kipling had some good advice to us in his poem If.. It teaches us how to remain composed when faced with challenges but to remain humble in our successes. To sum it up he teaches us how to remain centred, to face the world with dignity and strength and to always maintain our own integrity. I have learned great things from Mr. Kipling. A wise man who once said, “If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs…” I turned to his words when I was sad and felt heard and understood. That is the sign I believe of a great teacher.