What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do…

I recently had an interesting conversation with my “cabin friend”. We are neighbours at the cabin yet never get together in the city. We are very different people yet we enjoy our time together . Last week we were loading my kayaks into the back of the truck chatting away about our childhood summer memories. About to go paddle for a few hours I mentioned that even though I was a loner as a child I was grateful my parents recognized my need for solitude and didn’t push me in social situations. That was when she made a startling comment. Her parents chose a different tactic. She was sent for therapy. Apparently they didn’t understand why it was hard for her to make friends. She was 8 years old. Her manner showed how even decades later this was still traumatic for her. Right or wrong they didn’t know what to do.

Parenting is hard. I was the youngest of many and although my parents, in my young mind, made some questionable choices, I believe their previous practice kids made things easier for me. I made numerous errors in judgment when it came to raising my own kids. In hindsight, the biggest mistakes were when my husbands upbringing peeked its head into our decision making. That is what happens when you get married. You both bring forth experiences from your past and try and form a joint plan that you both can live with. Looking back there are things I would do differently if I had the chance to do them over, but I can’t. So regrets and dwelling on the past aren’t going to help. All I can do is look forward and try to be better. My children are all grown but I am still a parent. I can change how I deal with them by recognizing some of those mistakes. Making better choices while recognizing on past mistakes

Life throws so many curveballs at us that sometimes we just freeze. The fear of making choices stems from the fear of making mistakes. So we do nothing. On one hand that sounds like a good plan. And perhaps in the short term it is a good idea. Take some time to make a decision. Weight the pros and cons. Look at the problem from all sides and then make the best choice that comes from all of the research. But then again Occams Razor is a philosophical idea where the simplest explanation is often the best. Although that is certainly not always true it is important to understand that sometimes when we overthink a problem, we go down a rabbits hole and often come out with the same end result. So why not just jump in with both feet and take what comes. Chose the path that seems like the simplest idea.

Through life I have been more apt to just jump into things without thinking them through. Quite often it has worked out extremely well for me. The question still remains though, would it have been better if I had taken the time to think things through. Had the end result been more of a win. I’ll never know will I. Can’t go back and do it over again. It is done and I live in another place and time. I admit that some of my greatest achievements are when I threw caution to the wind, jumped in with both feet and failed miserably. But then, I either learned a great lesson or I was able to take a step back and regroup. I quit University while 9 classes short for two degrees. I realized I wasn’t on the right path. I jumped into a completely different area and after two semesters soon saw that while I was receiving honours, I really wasn’t good at what I was learning. Yet I stuck with it in order to graduate. It led me into a career path I never dreamed of. It also had me taking night classes in different areas. Not for the paper but for the knowledge. It all brought me to a point where I was in a dream career. I was a consultant so I controlled my time. I was my own boss. I didn’t particularly love every contract I worked but I recognized I was good at what I did. It gave me the confidence to be a little choosey and I never felt the need to shrink in the corporate world. In the end it all worked out. Would it have been better with different choices? Who knows. And really… who cares. Life was good. I’ll take the win.

The other night I was with my son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter. We had been out to a live show and then decided to grab a snack afterwards. It was a warm and lovely evening in downtown Calgary as we sat on an outdoor patio on Stephen Avenue mall. The table fire was glowing, the singer was amazing and we were just enjoying the night. I mentioned how much I loved the downtown core and always wanted to live there. My granddaughter laughed. Through the years she has heard my many dreams. Living in a loft in an old warehouse. Living in a tiny house on a remote piece of land. Moving to my cabin in the mountains or maybe buy a motor home to live and travel. I love the idea of the houseboats in Victoria. I have always wanted to live in Scotland for six months. Not the winter. That sounds crazy. I would love to spend summers in PEI. She has heard it all. Why don’t I do any of these things? Well, so much of me just wants to be close to my family. I’d miss so much of my grandkids lives. I have so many ideas that I truly don’t know what to do. So I stay put. But really, I love my life. Why change it? One day I will have to. Perhaps. Who knows. But one thing I know is that when I do decide to move it will be on my terms.

My friend has lived in the same house for just about 50 years. She is preparing to sell and move and there is a great deal of stress involved with cleaning out 50 years of stuff. She admits she left it too long so time is of the essence. While the decision was made in a somewhat urgent manner, she has fully embrace it and has become quite ruthless in her disposal of the physical clutter. She feels lighter. Empowered. She has tossed aside nostalgia and embraced change. She is looking forward to the future. While she has no real plans she knows life will be much simpler. In her case she was forced through necessity to do something. So her actions are dictated by a sense of urgency. I have the luxury of time. Or do I? What holds me back? As much as I love my home, looking around I know that the “stuff” is really what holds me back. My niece downsized a few years back from a house to a condo. There was joy for her in decluttering the stuff. And yet recently she has started missing her house. While the condo perhaps suits her lifestyle, she loves to travel, the house suits her soul in many ways. Was it a mistake or an experiment? Or just a change. In many ways I change constantly. Change can be exciting.

In the end there really is no right or wrong answer to my question. What to do? As I age I am more apt to live life like a river. Just letting the water carry me down the stream. It is kind of like the river that runs close by my home. You put the blow up boat in at a point upstream. You spend time with friends laughing and enjoying the day as the water carries you gently down through the city. There are a few spots where it can get a bit dicey. The rapids or rocks or just where the water narrows causing it to rush. This is exciting if not just a little scary. But you’ve got your people with you. It is fun. You know that there are people who you can count on. Sometimes though, you need to make a decision. Is it too rough. So you risk it or portage? Other times the risk is too great and you have to pull out. The choice is made for you. Like when you reach the Carseland dam. Life imitates raft insofar as are you alone or with others. That is a huge consideration when it comes to decision making.

I love the song Freewill by the band Rush. The lyrics debate whether we are in charge of our own fate or merely cogs in a wheel whose journey is predestined. But for me the chorus says it all.

You can chose some ready guide in some celestial voice

If you chose not to decide you still have made a choice

You can chose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill

I will chose a path that’s clear, I will chose freewill

While Getty Lee belted out those lyrics, it was Neil Peart who penned those lines. Perhaps the greatest drummer that ever lived (sorry Bonzo), he was also a man whose Philosophy in life often translated into the lyrics for the band. He was a man beyond this world. So my advice is this. If you don’t know what to do, find a way to make a decision. Because as Neil penned all those years ago, if you chose not to decide you still have made a choice. So don’t bury your head in the sand. Don’t look to people around you. Look inside. See your own heart. Your own truth. Do you want a life built on the opinions of others? Or a life you based on your own choices? Not through fear but through love. Create a life you love. I guarantee you have less regrets.