We Don’t Have A Mixed Marriage… We Are Both White

This was what my husband responded to our Pastor when he asked us about how we navigated life in our mixed marriage. The Pastor glanced at me and I laughed. I knew what he meant. My husband was Catholic and I am a Lutheran. From my husbands point of view we are both Christian which means we believe the same thing. However it was apparent his religious upbringing and mine were two very different things. There are quite a few subtle yet very important differences in our beliefs. The biggest stumbling block in this mixed marriage is the fact that the Roman Catholic Church considered me a heretic.

The most simple and concise definition of a heretic is basically a non conformist. As a religious term it is someone who differs in opinion from what is generally accepted. The Roman Catholic church, has its own issue with the Lutherans. It all goes back 500 hundred years to the beginning of the reformation. Martin Luther was a Catholic Monk. He was frustrated with the views and powers of the Vatican at the time, as well as the church leaders far reaches into the pockets of the poor. Ultimate power and avarice were running rampant under the Pope of the day and Martin Luther had a few things to say about it. Interesting side note… The Pope of the day back then was also named Leo. I hope the only thing this new Pope has in common with that long ago pontiff is the name.

Luther posted his 95 theses (basically a list of items to be discussed) on the church door in Wittenberg Germany. It was an invitation really to anyone wishing to debate his propositions either in person or by letter. He really meant it to be an open forum discussion of his peers. What happened was the original Latin text was translated into German and the messages spread throughout the land. In the eyes of Rome, Luther was committing acts of heresy. He was required to defend his actions. While his actions without a doubt sparked the push against the Catholic church, it probably wasn’t his intent. But after some back and forth and ultimately Luther going into hiding when Rome put a price on his head, Luther was excommunicated. Kicked out of the Church. And so as he continued to preach and teach, Protestantism spread. FYI, Protestant is a term used basically to define Christians who are not Roman Catholic. Christian is the religion. Protestants (Lutheran, Anglican, Alliance, Baptist etc) are all denominations of Christianity. But the term Protestant is not due to the protests hat erupted across Europe 500 years ago. It is in fact a term in Latin Pro Testari meaning to declare in public or to testify.

Back to the point, one of Martin Luther’s biggest issues was basically getting into heaven. Justification is Gods gift to us imperfect humans. He bestows on us righteousness through our faith in him. Lutherans believe faith and faith alone guarantees salvation. Catholics believe faith plus good works together were the true pathway to salvation. Big difference. However, in 1999, after much debate, the Catholics and Lutherans came to an agreement. They signed a Joint Declaration on the Doctrine of Justification. So a big long dissertation to say that good works are a response to Gods grace, not the cause of it. It took 500 years but basically the Catholics are pretty much becoming more Lutheran. The biggest concern I would think is that the Catholic Church worldwide has the Pope as their leader. Their direct conduit to God. We Lutherans have no such figure head. And so, the Catholic church can always question the authority of the Lutheran leaders who took part in the preparation of the document. But there agin lies part of the problem. We like to by pass the mere mortal who is their to guide and instruct as. We believe as Christians that we are entitled to direct communication to God through prayer. I can’t imagine having to confess my sins to a man. That is so messed up.

Technically the Catholics do not consider modern day Lutherans to be heretics. Except in some cases. Of which I would be one. Original Lutherans chose to continue to worship as Christians without the leadership of Rome. They are considered to have started their own religion, which is nonsense. Lutheran is not a religion. We are Christians. Just not Catholics. Those original guys are heretics. Through their own choices. For 500 years children were taught through the Lutheran church and as such are not considered heretics. Because they didn’t know. Sort of likening us to pathetic sops who are led blindly. However, once we learn the “truths” of the Catholic faith, if we deny them or in any way doubt them, we are then heretics. Even if we are baptised as Christians and raised in the faith and live our lives in what we believe is a Godly life, we are nominal Christians. But by agreeing with some of the big items Martin put forth, even when we learn and understand the Catholic views, we are heretics. That’s me. I truly believe I can’t buy my way into heaven. I truly believe in doing good in the world without fear of eternal damnation or adding points to an imaginary naughty or nice list God might be keeping. Just between you and me some of the kindest people I know are not bible thumpers, while on the flip side I know a lot of Christians who leave their Christianity at the church door. Their lives outside of the church are less than “good”.

Another difference between us is communion. or holy communion. AKA the eucharist. Or the Lords supper. Lots of different euphemisms depending on the church but it all comes down to the same action. That is when we receive the bread and wine. It is a huge difference between the beliefs of Catholics and Lutherans. Catholics believe in Transubstantiation. It is through this process whereby the bread and wine become the actual body and blood of Christ. It looks the same but is in fact changed. Lutherans on the other hand are taught sacramental union, where Christ is present in the bread and wine but the forms are not changed. Kinda hard to understand I guess but it truly is a big difference. I explain it to my kids that Catholics believe the bread and wine are truly Christs body and blood. Lutherans believe the bread and wine are bread and wine which represent his body and blood as Christ is present in, with and under the bread and wine. Another big difference is confession. In order to receive communion one must be free from sin. So Catholics practice reconciliation. Basically confess your sins to the priest, he offers penance, you pray a prayer of contrition (feel truly sorry) and the priest offers you forgiveness. The Lutherans can confess to the Pastor, but it isn’t really done these days. Gong straight to the big buy (God) was always an option and is now very common. We do a blanket confession just before communion with a blanket forgiveness from the Pastor. Then we all take communion. First off I like the straight to God thing. Because he already knows my heart and I won’t try and hide any of my sins. Hubby did say he left out lots with the Priest. Made it watered down. He told a lie. He talked back to his Mom. But frankly, the without sin thing is a big stumbler for me. Frankly, from the time I confess in church and my sins are forgiven, until til the ten minutes it takes for me to actually take communion, I am probably sinning a lot in my mind. So… there’s that.

These are just a couple of things that made our belief system different. For my husband, who was baptized catholic yet never attended church, it is just silly. For me the differences are quite important. It all comes down to our education. My family was very involved in the church and as a result, my christian education was just that much more in depth than his. He received his first communion as a young boy in grade two. Because he lived on a farm and there were 5 children between 7 and 2, he only took part in a six week preparation for his first communion. so… six hours. I was fourteen when I was confirmed and then had my first communion. My prep started at age 12. For two years I went to class every Wednesday. The classes were two hours long. The first year we studied Martin Luther’s small catechism, which goes into great depth explanations of the ten commandments, the Apostles creed, the Lords prayer and the sacraments of baptism and communion. The second year was spent studying the Bible. In our discussions it was clear his prep was more about the actions and memorizing prayers. As life evolved we did spend a lot of time discussiny the differences. I attended a Lutheran college for grade twelve and my first year of University. Religious study classes were mandatory. One per year. My husband found the first textbook and read it. He was surprised that it was from a grade twelve class. It was more of a historical look at religions around the world and their history. He came to realize that his own religious education was woefully lacking.

Christianity, like all religions has morphed and transformed in so many ways throughout history. Pretty much all of it comes from disagreements and the inevitable equivalent game of “I am going to take my toys and go home!” And so there are offshoots and varying versions of all religions. It just is and frankly always will be the way of the world. Change. What I can say is this. My hubby hated church. Hated going. But we had one Pastor who he liked and they golfed now and again and attended a few Calgary Flames games together. He never converted and remained a Catholic until he died. Church was a big part of my young life and so when we got married I agreed to convert as long as he promised to attend church with me for the rest of his life. If I was going to church alone with my kids, it would be the Lutheran church. So we were married Lutheran and all of our kids were baptized and raised in the Lutheran church. However, my hubby came. All the time. Because he was a man whose word meant everything. When we baptized our children we promised, in front of God and the congregation, to bring them to church and teach them about God. He kept his word. When our youngest son was confirmed, considered an adult in the church, my hubby stopped going. He had fulfilled his promise. In the end when I went to church he would stay home and read the bible. He called it home schooling. When he finished, he read the Koran. And then, when he was done that, he delved deeper in the sects that form the Islam faith. He became quite fascinated with the history.

We raised three kids as Christians. One was married in the church and baptized her kids but doesn’t step foot in a church other than weddings and funerals. One has become an Atheist yet is content that her child wants to be confirmed. The third chose Buddhism as a small child although his is a more philosophical view rather than a full immersion. All have chosen a different path. While I have some friends who are disturbed by their choices, I am at peace. They are all grown. Adults. We did the best we could with our limited abilities as parents and all we can ask is that they are happy and content in life. As we navigated the world together, my husband and I were often at odds with each other. Those were the times we grew in our relationship. We learned lessons about trust, fear, compromise, values, compassion, until ultimately we learned to coexist in a peaceful manner. I think I have learned that a mixed marriage, be it race, religion, ethnicity or an other ideological differences can be a beautiful thing. One you embrace the differences that come with the varied backgrounds, it becomes easier to start to examine the world around us. To understand how it impacts a marriage and a family. We probably messed up a lot as parents. Definitely messed up a lot as husband and wife, but in the end our differences drew us closer. Made us wiser and more accepting. It made us better people. So to answer the Pastors question from over fourty years ago, we handled that pretty well. We had to. The goal wasn’t just to stay together, it was to grow together. I am grateful.