How To Deal With A Friend Whose Coversation Style Is Oppositional… Don’t!

I spent a lot of time recently with someone I have known for years. A pattern emerged which at first was just annoying, but in time has caused me to actually go as far as to rethink the friendship. Our conversations are usually superficial and light hearted when we are together. Lately they have been longer and more in depth. As a result I have noticed that they are extremely predictable. We aren’t discussing anymore. Sharing ideas and chats about our days. Now, our conversations lead to frustration and anger on my part. I seem to leave every chat fed up and not wanting to see him any more. When I analyze what has changed, of course I blame my friend. But on further review, I have to admit… It is me. I need to own it.

Now, when I say that I have to expand on my recent enlightenment. This person has always been this way, but our exchanges have always been few and far between. Short periods of exposure. Having more conversations has sort of brought out their conversational pattern to a greater degree. And it annoys me. It always did, yet it was just small blurbs. You know. Something that wasn’t in my face. Of course, recent exchanges have been more frequent and that has led to more irritation on my part. Leading to greater periods of anger and frankly a need to escape from the friendship. So, it really is a me problem. They have no idea how I really feel because they are still who they have always been. I just didn’t realize how annoying they are. But let me tell you, it is very clear now.

Initially I felt my friend just suffered from a very common modern day affliction. They only read headlines. As a result they know a few buzzwords or phrases or perhaps have heard a bit about what is happening day to day in the world. But they don’t know details or deep understanding of issues. For examples, I mentioned that I was planning a trip to Europe. I mentioned that when going to Denmark, I cannot get direct flights. My friend said that they had read that more flights were going to be added since Canada had opened a Canadian Consulate in Denmark recently. I was a bit confused. There has been a Canadian Consulate in Denmark for years. As the discussion progressed it became apparent that my friend thought Denmark was in the arctic circle and that Greenland and Denmark are one and the same. I finally had to get a map. On further investigation, I have come to the conclusion that my friend may have something referred to as oppositional conversation style.

While this is not an actual mental health disorder it is a very common conversation style these days. I have come to recognize the predictable pattern as a conversation goes sideways. Like the friend who was telling me how much he likes Mark Carney. I responded that although I voted for him in the leadership race I did prefer Chrystia Freeland. Before I could expain my reasoning, my friend immediately jumped in commenting that they never voted for the person but for the party. To which I responded, in a leadership race you vote for the person. My friend insisted that they had never voted for Carney. Of course I countered that he couldn’t in an election since he doesn’t live in Carneys riding. As a member of the federal Liberal party, I am entitled to vote for a new leader. The conversation became very frustrating as I realized they had no idea about how Canadian politics works. And yet when discussing the Alberta Premier, they complained that she had been chosen by “those idiots”. I saw the opportunity to point out the comparison. Both leaders chosen by a vote. Alas, my efforts were in vain as my friend held fast to their ideas. I just ended the conversation by saying go google “how are Canadian political leaders chosen”.

OCS is an aggressive form of conversation. Sometimes passive aggressive. Often people don’t realize that they do it. The bottom line is that it is basically an I am right you are wrong style. Regardless of the delivery the conversations follow a predictable pattern. Stating an idea or opinion. Often just for debate purposes. Not listening to alternative opinions of opposing facts. When questioned on their facts they turn the question back asking you to prove your point. If you can prove it they disregard your argument or change the subject. Sometimes they just ask why it matters. This is after they have completely spewed an idea with absolutely no merit or backup. In the end, if they see themselves losing the advantage they abruptly change the subject. That is a miscue though because it gives them time to rethink the argument and inevitably jump right back into the conversation with no warning. It is a form of catching people off balance.

My husbands family are masters at this. Their conversational patterns are very passive aggressive. And unless you are recording them it is very difficult to catch them out. If you ever tried, they made you out to be crazy. I remember when we were engaged, a friend came up to me at a party and apologized that although they had RSVP’ed yes to our wedding, they had to cancel. Her sister had just announced her own wedding for the same date. So when I mentioned it to my Mother-in law, she insisted I had heard wrong. She knew the family and there was only one sister and she was married. Foolishly, I was young yet, I insisted a sister was getting married. Now I know I was wrong to pursue the argument but I had already been down this road with my future in laws. I was often contradicted and then ridiculed. Now because this was a friend of my husband I had no idea about the family background. She was a casual acquaintance. In the end, our next meetup with the couple had me asking the wife to tell my husband why they couldn’t make it. He found it weird. As did she. I looked silly. Later in the car when I tried to explain my feelings, my husband didn’t understand. He said I was the one who always had to be right. His mother meant nothing by it. Hmmmmm….

Interestingly enough that is one way people shut you down if they are wrong and you are right. They brush the entire thing aside. Make fun of others for being too intense. I fell into this trap often as a young wife. Now my own family didn’t seem to be this way and yet I had two brothers who just loved to argue and debate. I found conversations with them were harder than the other siblings. My husband hated being around them and when I compared them to his family he couldn’t see the similarities. But here is the thing. We get used to people in our own families. While my brothers annoyed me with their debate styles, my exposure was limited. They are so much older than me that it was like we were from two different families. The early years of marriage can be hard, and mine certainly were. My hubby and I eventually fell into a comfortable life where we understood each other better. Not just that, we tried harder with each other and recognized that most of our fights were from outside influences. AKA in-law interference. In time we became more similar as we influenced the other person. It is amazing what spending almost fourty years together can do to people. We both changed. And the one thing we did was limit family exposure.

In the end, my friend and I have gone back to our regular friendship timeline. Limited exposure. We do have fun when we get together for an event and so it seems that we just need to go back to that form of friendship. Some people are made for deep intense besty relationships. The kind that anything goes and the friendship endures no matter what happens. In fact, it often grows stronger and stronger after a dust-up. Some people are loners. They are the types who keep friendships on the periphery. These friendships often endure due to the infrequent nature of the time together. The relationships may seem very superficial to outsiders yet there is often a very strong bond. These are people that will drop everything to help each other. Yet most people are kept at an arms length. There are also those who are friends with everyone. They are the sort who need people and are so busy with the numerous friends they have acquired over the course of their lives. Regardless of the type of friendship, how and why they endure is truly due to the input from both parties. Shared expectations are also important.

While friendships are hard sometimes, they can be so rewarding. My friend and I are very different in so many ways yet our ideals and values are very closely aligned. That is a huge benefit. And he is fun. It is important to me that he stays in my life. And so we had a discussion and agreed that some conversations are just not needed in our friendship. Ours is one based on fun and shared good times. And we are going to keep doing those things. And if talk becomes too much, we will call it a night. Until the next time. It is up to me to nip it in the bud because I am the one who gets annoyed. I’ve learned that he is the way he is. He won’t change and I can’t expect him to. It is up to me to decide how to react. After all a boundary isn’t about making other people conform. It is a deal we make with ourselves on what behaviours we will accept. All we can do is make others aware of the boundary. And that is what I did. As for my friend, we are going for dinner later this week. To our favourite restaurant. Should be fun.