The other day I was chatting with my neighbour Gwen as she was getting ready to head out for a golf game with some friends. She wasn’t looking forward to it at all. She explained that her girlfriend had invited a work acquaintance and then proceeded to coach the other two friends on how to act during the game. Her explanation was that she wasn’t the same person at work as she was with her friends. Gwen wasn’t pleased. In her mind it was her friends problem not hers. I get it. Gwen is one of the most open and honest women I know. What you see is what you get. She wasn’t about to put on a facade for anyone let alone someone she hadn’t met yet.
The thing is we are all chameleons now and again. My husband was the greatest example of this. He could fit in anywhere. Yet he didn’t change who he was or play a part. His core values never changed. What changed was his approach. He met people where they were comfortable. Yet at home, with his feet up he let out all of his thoughts. I have to admit, in the 36 year we were married he embarrassed me once. My girlfriend was getting married and the wedding was quite the swanky affair. My hubby only knew a few folks and so at the reception he became well acquainted with the bartender while I did the social butterfly thing. It wasn’t until we were leaving that I realized how much he had to drink. A few people brought presents to the wedding and a few volunteered to carry them out to a waiting car. My husband grabbed a package and headed straight for our car where I was waiting. I rolled my eyes and promptly returned the gift to the grooms brother who was walking towards us, We both laughed. You see the friend in question had her many stories of alcohol related mishaps. This was nothing compared to her antics. As we arrived at the hotel, my husband started pulling out of his pockets what looked like small facecloths. They were the hand towels from the men’s washroom. He had started his own collection.
I used to joke that I could easily be a politician since I am so open with everyone I meet about who I am. I am pretty open about most things and honestly have very few secrets. In many cases I am often the person who shares too much info. I have matured in some ways over the last six decades though. I am usually able to rein in some of my more pointed remarks. Because I have learned that it just isn’t worth it to speak out. I have learned to develop my inner filter. The biggest difference between myself and my hubby is that I don’t meet people where they are. I sit silent while they voice things. Then I decide whether I want to bother. And frankly this isn’t just about politics or religion or any other controversial subject that riles people. This is about every day views. Simple things. Like bike paths. Calming measures in high traffic areas. Lowering speed limits in residential areas. Homeless camps. Restaurant prices. Home schooling. Multi family housing in single home communities. Home mail delivery vs community mailboxes. All things people feel strongly about and I do have views on them all. Or most anyways. In many cases I choose not to get involved in discussions because it is pointless. If I feel strongly, I get involved. I am someone who is a doer. I put my efforts behind things I want changed. I volunteer. I join organizations. I donate. Even if I don’t let my opinions shine through in discussions, I will work tirelessly to make something I believe in come to fruition.
It is easier to be ourselves when we are in a safe place. With people who are like us. Who share our values or are more closely aligned with our beliefs. Most people have family or friends that love them and overlook when their views differ. Mind you we sometimes try harder to get along with people we care about. But I wonder why we do that? Are we afraid they will walk out of our lives? Or are we afraid they will conspire with others to drop us. I had a very good friend years ago who did just that. Looking back the signs were there. She was a narcissist. She had walked away from friendships and ghosted people and the rest of us did nothing. She had us under her spell. And then she walked away from me. My husband was happy since he never really liked her, but it hurt. But then came the shunning. Yep. The rest of the friend group avoided me. One mutual friend, Kate put in an offer on a cabin in a community where my family had a cabin. It was withdrawn when the narcissist accused Kate of choosing me to be her new best friend. A casual acquaintance said, while at a party, he asked if anyone had talked to me lately. The room went silent as the narcissist got up and left. She removed me from her life over 30 years ago. None of the mutual friends came back. That is the reality when you are part of a group that is afraid of being tossed aside. That is why so many people conform to the group. Or rather to the strongest of the group.
My best friend was also my husbands sister. Her and her hubby are very social and went on multiple yearly group trips. Afterwards she would tell me all about it. Major whining and complaining about what in essence was the hierarchy. In groups there is always someone who likes to take charge. For the most part some just go along. Often because they are the people favoured by the take charge types. My sister in law always felt she was dismissed. Looked down on. After hours of complaining about a recent trip, she finally said to me “You should come next time.” That still makes me chuckle. She wanted me there as an ally. Not because it would be fun. To be fair, my hubby would have enjoyed some of the golf trips, but neither one of us would have done much of the group stuff. I am kind of a loner. I do my own thing. We used to go on long motorcycle trips with a large group. It was easy because although the trip was planned by others, there were so many of us that we always broke out in smaller groups. The fast riders, medium and then the dawdlers. Each day had a final destination where we all eventually met up. Group dinners were decided on and people went or didn’t. No hurt feelings. No problems. Good times. Our only issue was hubby liked being in the first fast group while I dawdled. I am pretty independent but he had this odd feeling he had to stay close to me. Protector boy. I have taken a few girlfriend trips in my life. And of course since my husband died my motorcycle trips are alone or with a girlfriend. Any friend trip was good with one or two friends. Anything larger, even four people was just more of a pain. The thing is, I know me and I know what circumstances cause me to thrive and which don’t.
In life the best advice is to know your audience. Along with that I would say that it is important that we do not make assumptions. Recently, while recounting the behaviour of a man who ran into my car, the person I was telling asked if the driver was an immigrant. As my daughter Drew would say, don’t assume I am a racist just because I am white. What I tend to say is that I am not the right audience for that statement. Most people back off immediately. But for me the damage is done. One thing that the country south of the border has done is make it clearer who does not share your views. People who used to keep unpopular opinions a little more quiet now feel emboldened. I think that is great because it is easier to decide who you want to spend time with. Now most people in my private life are very conservative and I am usually odd man out. It is Alberta, so… I have a group of friends who get together for a few games of scrabble now and again. They are mainly centrist liberals but some sway much farther left. I am one of those. Our political discussions are interesting and in many ways we are in harmony, but there are some very differing areas of opinion. I am not a supporter of unions yet two of the group belong to unions. I am very unvaxxed, having only had 4 immunizations in my life. One gal is a nurse. Very concerned for my life. What I find in this group though is respectful dialogue. I am not the butt of jokes. I am never called names. In fact I am questioned. Why do I feel the way I do. And I answer. There is discussion even if no one changes their mind, we all walk away a little more informed. There have been many occasions where conservative friends, after a few drinks like to make fun of me. Kid me about being a liberal. FYI. I am not a liberal. I voted liberal federally. I am not my vote. In fact I would vote NDP if they had a chance of winning. I vote my needs or beliefs.
Now I have been known to change my mind about things. I am not who I was ten years ago. Or twenty. Or more. In fact my husband used to say I morphed into a different person every three years. Of course that is silly but he had a point. I love to read. I love to be informed. When I hear or see something that is new or sounds odd, I immediately start to research. I quit smoking 35 years ago. I became very anti smoking. My daughter called me a hypocrite. How could I hate smoking when I had smoked for years. My son had a friend named Sean. My son related this idea to Sean who then replied, “Well of course she has to hate smoking. Otherwise she might start again”. Did I mention Sean was my favourite of my sons friends? But he got it. He understood. Pretty bright for a 15 year old.
I love the poet Maya Angelou. One of her often misquoted lines has always stayed with me. “You did in your twenties what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better.” But like all quotes, what comes next is what really hit me. “You should not be judged for the person that you were, but for the person that you are trying to be, and the woman you are now.” My list of faults is long and growing. It seems like when I work on myself it is one step forward and many steps back. But as I said to a difficult co-worker years ago, I know who I am. I know what you don’t like about me. But those things are so far down on the list. I am trying to improve on the faults closer to the top. Because while I am not blind to my many undesirable traits, I am focused on who I wish to be. My priorities are to do the things I need to be a better person. Not for you. Not for anyone. But for me. I swear too much. I drive too fast. I am opinionated. I am impatient. I am unreliable. I am not a great friend. But the worst thing is that I like me. I love to be alone. I am comfortable in who I am in so many ways. The ways the world doesn’t see. So what I try to fix may not mean much to an outsider, but it is important to me as I strive to be the best I can be. So no, I won’t stop saying the F word. I won’t back down on some views. I won’t change who I am because I embarrass you. I will strive to be more generous because that is what I was taught. I will help who needs help because that is what I was taught. I will try to remember that I am not better or lower than anyone because that is what I was taught. I will remind myself that honesty is important and judging others is not acceptable. Because that is what I was taught. I was taught these things by two people who had many faults just like the rest of us. But who had the highest moral codes of anyone I have ever met. They were just good people. That is the bar in my mind. My Mom and Dad.
So no, I will not be a chameleon. I will mess up all the time and say and do the wrong thing more often that not. But I strive to be the person that would make them proud. Funny thing is, even with all my faults, they were always proud. When I look at my own kids, I am proud of their accomplishments. But what brings me the greatest joy is when I see a bit of my parents in them. The kindness. The generosity. The way they treat those that society looks down on. The way they fight for what is right. They have faults. They swear lots too. They got that from me. And in my eyes, if there are more people like them the world will be okay. Because they won’t compromise their values. Even if they have to tell a lot of people to fuck off. Mom and Dad would have been proud of that too because after all its only a word. But I’ve learned it sure can get your point across sometimes.
